I am going to be speaking on anger over the next few posts- because that is what I deal mostly with my son- I have obtained a lot of information over the 5 years in working with him so I want to share with you some techniques - some mistakes I have made and some things you just have to keep reiterating-
Part 1 is from an article from Focus on the Family
Uncovering the Pain Behind Your Child's Anger
Learn how to recognize the reasons for anger, and whether it's appropriate or not.
by Shana Schutte
As an elementary public school teacher, I was appalled when one of my first grade students stood on a chair, threw his arms up and screamed, "I hate you!" followed by numerous expletives describing his feelings about me. Because I'd been a compliant child, I didn't understand why so many of my students were angry and I didn't know what to do.
Perhaps you're at the end of your rope like I was. Not because you're a teacher with angry students, but because the sweet baby you birthed is now an irritated four-to-seven year old who is pitching fits, screaming, yelling and throwing things.
You're not alone.
Parents everywhere are wringing their hands in desperation because one — or more — of their elementary-aged children are out of control with anger.
Many people believe that kids are like little rubber people — trouble bounces off and nothing bothers them long term. However, anger is a sign that children feel deeply and are not as resilient as we might think. Why? Because anger is a response to pain. It's like a blinking light on the dashboard of your car that tells you something is wrong under the hood. For this reason, wise parents will not ignore or minimize their child's anger.
That said, what can you do to help your child manage his anger and develop into a healthy adult the way God desires? Here are some suggestions:
To begin, try to pinpoint why your child is angry
When children visit Karen L. Maudlin, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, to learn how to manage anger, she begins by identifying any biological causes behind the anger, such as allergies, learning disabilities or developmental disorders.
One boy who visited Dr. Maudlin was restless, unfocused in class and often irritable. Because the boy's outbursts only occurred in the spring months and not during winter, Dr. Maudlin suggested allergy testing. Sure enough, he had severe reactions to mold, pollen, ragweed and grass. After he received allergy treatment, his moods returned to normal. No wonder he was angry. Many adults feel that way when they're sick too.
Begin by asking yourself if there are biological factors that could be contributing to your child's anger. For additional help, visit a physician and your school's diagnostician.
After you've ruled out biological factors, move on to other life stressors
I recently heard on the radio that one woman's fourth grader is learning algebra at school. She was shocked. So was I. I wasn’t learning math like that until 7th grade.
As life stressors, including job expectations, have increased for adults, school performance for kids has, too. If a child is expected to perform beyond his capabilities, either in school or at home, he can become angry. Kids can also become angry due to other life stressors such as moving, divorce or losing a loved one, including a family pet or a close friend.
When Joshua, one of my third grade students, started arguing and fighting with classmates, I was surprised because he'd always been exceptionally courteous. The afternoon he stole several pocketfuls of crayons from my classroom and clogged up the school plumbing by flushing them down the toilet, I knew something was seriously wrong. One day, his father visited after school and explained, "Joshua's mother and I are getting a divorce." A light went on. Of course! No wonder he's angry. He's hurting.
To identify life stressors, ask yourself when your child seems to exhibit anger. Is it during playtime? After he wakes up? When confronted with a particular person? During a particular time of day? Or since a specific family event took place?
Once you've identified why your child is becoming angry, there are several other things to keep in mind.
Don't try to keep your child from getting angry
Anger is a natural human emotion, but many Christians are under the false belief that anger is wrong. However, God never told us not to become angry — He said to be angry and not sin (Ephesians 4:26). This Scripture shows that God knows we'll get angry because sometimes life hurts. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to let your child know it's okay to get mad.
Telling a child she is not allowed to become angry will create an emotionally unhealthy adult who suffers from guilt and who does not know how to accept her feelings, or how to work through what's hurt her.
However, just because it's okay to get angry, it's not okay to handle anger inappropriately, and your child needs to know that.
Help your child find alternative ways to handle anger
One of my students who hurt others in moments of rage was given strict boundaries for handling his anger. He was disciplined when he acted inappropriately, but was also taught through counseling how to put himself in time-out when he felt himself getting mad. At these times, he would come to me and say, "Miss Schutte, I'm getting angry. Can I go out into the hallway until I cool off?" Once he felt he was ready, he came back into class calmed down. Sometimes he chose to speak with me about what bothered him.
There are other, healthy ways to deal with anger. One woman I know has placed a punching bag and soft toys in a room for her son to hit. This has proven effective for him to manage his frustrations. Of course, his mother also makes time to talk and pray with him about what he feels without shaming him.
The most important thing to remember while helping your child deal with anger is that he is a person with real emotions — just like you.
If your efforts to help your child seem ineffective and he is still angry, seek out professional intervention from a school or professional counselor.
Copyright © 2008 Shana Schutte. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
How to Help ADHD Child
How to Help an ADHD Child
Unlocking the potential in your ADHD child will require some work on your part, but it will be well worth it.
by Dr. Walt Larimore
At Focus on the Family, we receive letters from children, adolescents and young adults who live with ADHD. One of the most heartrending came from a boy in the seventh grade. Here is some of what he wrote:
When I began the second grade, I went from having a good teacher to a hard one. I did not feel ready for second grade, and felt different from the other kids. Writing words were hard, like writing the Korean numbers. No letters or numbers made sense, and I had trouble remembering everything I learned. I did not understand and remember the directions, and everyone seemed mad at me all the time.
When you're in second grade, you feel pressure to wear cool clothes and hang out with cool friends and do well in school. I began to feel like I was a failure and heard my teacher tell my mom I was at the bottom of my class. What did that mean? I did not know, really, what that meant until the other kids made fun of me and called me "stupid." I felt stupid. I told my mom I was stupid. My pride was hurt because I didn't feel like the other kids, or I didn't feel like I belonged. Everyone seemed to have fun and school stuff was easy for them.
I had one friend like me, and we started a club only for kids like me. My teacher told my parents that I might have a learning disease, and should have some tests. I had a tutor everyday after school, and I learned the stuff real good at night, but at school I could not remember what I'd learned or the right way to do problems.
In fifth grade I still had trouble learning, and people, especially my teachers, were getting more and more mad at me for forgetting. Sometimes, I would forget all the stuff and have fun. Sometimes I would not. Mostly, not.
My mom tried really hard to help me remember things, and she was starting to get mad at me, too. They told me I was not trying. The teacher told my mom I was lying about not remembering and that I was lazy. I'm not lazy. I'm just so tired of people telling me to try harder. I did not blame them for my disease, so why does everybody blame me?
He goes on and describes a terrible thing that happened at school when he was forced by a teacher to pick up trash because he wouldn't do his homework. Kids started calling him the "Trash Man" and the name stuck.
I wish I could say that this is the only letter like this we have received at Focus on the Family. Unfortunately, it is not. These young people, without proper parental and medical care, can easily become defeated — first academically, then emotionally, socially and spiritually. With prayer and proper care, these specially gifted kids can have academic success. They can discover who God created them to be and find what He has in store for them.
Support Groups
Successful management of ADHD involves a range of options. The first and foremost, after diagnosis, is education. The person living with ADHD is usually greatly relieved to learn that he has an identifiable, treatable condition. They are gratified (as are their parents) to learn that they've done nothing wrong. This condition is not caused, but you are born with it. It's part of your design and make-up. Best of all, God can and does use ADHD in His particular and peculiar plan for your life.
One organization that may be able to help is CHADD (www.chadd.org*), which provides an incredible amount of evidence-based and trustworthy information. They can offer the seeds, at least, for parent support groups. This organization, and others, can help you gather information.
However, let me share a caution here. Parent support groups, if not carefully done, can turn into gripe and whine sessions. That is not helpful and is sometimes harmful. All of us need someone to gripe to on occasion, no doubt, but unless there's some direction to the group, such as, "Okay, now we've heard everyone's complaints, what can we do about it?" it just stays at the complaining level. Then the kids pay the price. I've seen parents come home from such a group and get all over their child because of what they talked about at the support group. That's not helpful for the parent or the child.
Discipline and Structure for the ADHD Child
One of our constituents wrote to Focus on the Family saying, "We have a 5-year-old son who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is difficult to handle, and I have no idea how to manage him. I know he has a neurological problem; I don't feel right about making him obey like we do our other children. It is a big problem for us. What do you suggest?"
Dr. Dobson responded to this mother: "I understand your dilemma, but I urge you to discipline your son. Every youngster needs the security of defined limits, and the ADHD child is no exception. Such a child should be held responsible for his behavior, although the approach may be a little different."
According to Dr. Dobson, "most children can be required to sit on a chair for disciplinary reasons. However, the ADHD child would probably not be able to remain there. In the same way, spanking may actually be ineffective with highly excitable children. As with every aspect of parenthood, disciplinary measures for the ADHD child must be suited to his or her unique characteristics and needs."
Here are 18 suggestions from a book by Dr. Domeena Renshaw entitled The Hyperactive Child. Though her book is now out of print, Dr. Renshaw's advice is still valid:
1.Be consistent in rules and discipline.
2.Keep your own voice quiet and slow. Anger is normal. Anger can be controlled. Anger does not mean you do not love your child.
3.Try to keep your emotions cool by bracing for expected turmoil. Recognize and respond to any positive behavior, however small. If you search for good things, you will find them.
4.Avoid a ceaselessly negative approach: "Stop." "Don't." "No."
5.Separate behavior, which you may not like, from the child's person (e.g., "I like you. I don't like your tracking mud through the house.").
6.Establish a clear routine. Construct a timetable for waking, eating, play, television, study, chores and bedtime. Follow it flexibly when he disrupts it. Slowly your structure will reassure him until he develops his own.
7.Demonstrate new or difficult tasks, using action accompanied by short, clear, quiet explanations. Repeat the demonstration until learned, using audiovisual-sensory perceptions to reinforce the learning. The memory traces of a hyperactive child take longer to form. Be patient and repeat.
8.Designate a separate room or a part of a room that is his special area. Avoid brilliant colors or complex patterns in decor. Simplicity, solid colors, minimal clutter and a worktable facing a blank wall away from distractions help concentration. A hyperactive child cannot filter overstimulation.
9.Do one thing at a time: Give him one toy from a closed box; clear the table of everything else when coloring; turn off the radio/television when he is doing homework. Multiple stimuli prevent his concentration from focusing on his primary task.
10.Give him responsibility, which is essential for growth. The task should be within his capacity, although the assignment may need much supervision. Acceptance and recognition of his efforts (even when imperfect) should not be forgotten.
11.Read his pre-explosive warning signals. Quietly intervene to avoid explosions by distracting him or discussing the conflict calmly. Removal from the battle zone to the sanctuary of his room for a few minutes can help.
12.Restrict playmates to one or two at a time because he is so excitable. Your home is more suitable so you can provide structure and supervision. Explain your rules to the playmate and briefly tell the other parent your reasons.
13.Do not pity, tease, be frightened by or overindulge your child. He has a special condition of the nervous system that is manageable.
14.Know the name and dose of his medication. Give it regularly. Watch and remember the effects to report back to your physician.
15.Openly discuss with your physician any fears you have about the use of medications.
16.Lock up all medications to avoid accidental misuse.
17.Always supervise the taking of medication, even if it is routine over a long period of years. Responsibility remains with the parents! One day's supply at a time can be put in a regular place and checked routinely as he becomes older and more self-reliant.
18.Share your successful tips with his teacher.
The outlined ways to help your hyperactive child are as important to him as diet and insulin are to a diabetic child.
Adapted from Why ADHD Doesn't Mean Disaster by Dennis Swanberg, Diane Passno and Walter L. Larimore, M.D. A Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers.
Unlocking the potential in your ADHD child will require some work on your part, but it will be well worth it.
by Dr. Walt Larimore
At Focus on the Family, we receive letters from children, adolescents and young adults who live with ADHD. One of the most heartrending came from a boy in the seventh grade. Here is some of what he wrote:
When I began the second grade, I went from having a good teacher to a hard one. I did not feel ready for second grade, and felt different from the other kids. Writing words were hard, like writing the Korean numbers. No letters or numbers made sense, and I had trouble remembering everything I learned. I did not understand and remember the directions, and everyone seemed mad at me all the time.
When you're in second grade, you feel pressure to wear cool clothes and hang out with cool friends and do well in school. I began to feel like I was a failure and heard my teacher tell my mom I was at the bottom of my class. What did that mean? I did not know, really, what that meant until the other kids made fun of me and called me "stupid." I felt stupid. I told my mom I was stupid. My pride was hurt because I didn't feel like the other kids, or I didn't feel like I belonged. Everyone seemed to have fun and school stuff was easy for them.
I had one friend like me, and we started a club only for kids like me. My teacher told my parents that I might have a learning disease, and should have some tests. I had a tutor everyday after school, and I learned the stuff real good at night, but at school I could not remember what I'd learned or the right way to do problems.
In fifth grade I still had trouble learning, and people, especially my teachers, were getting more and more mad at me for forgetting. Sometimes, I would forget all the stuff and have fun. Sometimes I would not. Mostly, not.
My mom tried really hard to help me remember things, and she was starting to get mad at me, too. They told me I was not trying. The teacher told my mom I was lying about not remembering and that I was lazy. I'm not lazy. I'm just so tired of people telling me to try harder. I did not blame them for my disease, so why does everybody blame me?
He goes on and describes a terrible thing that happened at school when he was forced by a teacher to pick up trash because he wouldn't do his homework. Kids started calling him the "Trash Man" and the name stuck.
I wish I could say that this is the only letter like this we have received at Focus on the Family. Unfortunately, it is not. These young people, without proper parental and medical care, can easily become defeated — first academically, then emotionally, socially and spiritually. With prayer and proper care, these specially gifted kids can have academic success. They can discover who God created them to be and find what He has in store for them.
Support Groups
Successful management of ADHD involves a range of options. The first and foremost, after diagnosis, is education. The person living with ADHD is usually greatly relieved to learn that he has an identifiable, treatable condition. They are gratified (as are their parents) to learn that they've done nothing wrong. This condition is not caused, but you are born with it. It's part of your design and make-up. Best of all, God can and does use ADHD in His particular and peculiar plan for your life.
One organization that may be able to help is CHADD (www.chadd.org*), which provides an incredible amount of evidence-based and trustworthy information. They can offer the seeds, at least, for parent support groups. This organization, and others, can help you gather information.
However, let me share a caution here. Parent support groups, if not carefully done, can turn into gripe and whine sessions. That is not helpful and is sometimes harmful. All of us need someone to gripe to on occasion, no doubt, but unless there's some direction to the group, such as, "Okay, now we've heard everyone's complaints, what can we do about it?" it just stays at the complaining level. Then the kids pay the price. I've seen parents come home from such a group and get all over their child because of what they talked about at the support group. That's not helpful for the parent or the child.
Discipline and Structure for the ADHD Child
One of our constituents wrote to Focus on the Family saying, "We have a 5-year-old son who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is difficult to handle, and I have no idea how to manage him. I know he has a neurological problem; I don't feel right about making him obey like we do our other children. It is a big problem for us. What do you suggest?"
Dr. Dobson responded to this mother: "I understand your dilemma, but I urge you to discipline your son. Every youngster needs the security of defined limits, and the ADHD child is no exception. Such a child should be held responsible for his behavior, although the approach may be a little different."
According to Dr. Dobson, "most children can be required to sit on a chair for disciplinary reasons. However, the ADHD child would probably not be able to remain there. In the same way, spanking may actually be ineffective with highly excitable children. As with every aspect of parenthood, disciplinary measures for the ADHD child must be suited to his or her unique characteristics and needs."
Here are 18 suggestions from a book by Dr. Domeena Renshaw entitled The Hyperactive Child. Though her book is now out of print, Dr. Renshaw's advice is still valid:
1.Be consistent in rules and discipline.
2.Keep your own voice quiet and slow. Anger is normal. Anger can be controlled. Anger does not mean you do not love your child.
3.Try to keep your emotions cool by bracing for expected turmoil. Recognize and respond to any positive behavior, however small. If you search for good things, you will find them.
4.Avoid a ceaselessly negative approach: "Stop." "Don't." "No."
5.Separate behavior, which you may not like, from the child's person (e.g., "I like you. I don't like your tracking mud through the house.").
6.Establish a clear routine. Construct a timetable for waking, eating, play, television, study, chores and bedtime. Follow it flexibly when he disrupts it. Slowly your structure will reassure him until he develops his own.
7.Demonstrate new or difficult tasks, using action accompanied by short, clear, quiet explanations. Repeat the demonstration until learned, using audiovisual-sensory perceptions to reinforce the learning. The memory traces of a hyperactive child take longer to form. Be patient and repeat.
8.Designate a separate room or a part of a room that is his special area. Avoid brilliant colors or complex patterns in decor. Simplicity, solid colors, minimal clutter and a worktable facing a blank wall away from distractions help concentration. A hyperactive child cannot filter overstimulation.
9.Do one thing at a time: Give him one toy from a closed box; clear the table of everything else when coloring; turn off the radio/television when he is doing homework. Multiple stimuli prevent his concentration from focusing on his primary task.
10.Give him responsibility, which is essential for growth. The task should be within his capacity, although the assignment may need much supervision. Acceptance and recognition of his efforts (even when imperfect) should not be forgotten.
11.Read his pre-explosive warning signals. Quietly intervene to avoid explosions by distracting him or discussing the conflict calmly. Removal from the battle zone to the sanctuary of his room for a few minutes can help.
12.Restrict playmates to one or two at a time because he is so excitable. Your home is more suitable so you can provide structure and supervision. Explain your rules to the playmate and briefly tell the other parent your reasons.
13.Do not pity, tease, be frightened by or overindulge your child. He has a special condition of the nervous system that is manageable.
14.Know the name and dose of his medication. Give it regularly. Watch and remember the effects to report back to your physician.
15.Openly discuss with your physician any fears you have about the use of medications.
16.Lock up all medications to avoid accidental misuse.
17.Always supervise the taking of medication, even if it is routine over a long period of years. Responsibility remains with the parents! One day's supply at a time can be put in a regular place and checked routinely as he becomes older and more self-reliant.
18.Share your successful tips with his teacher.
The outlined ways to help your hyperactive child are as important to him as diet and insulin are to a diabetic child.
Adapted from Why ADHD Doesn't Mean Disaster by Dennis Swanberg, Diane Passno and Walter L. Larimore, M.D. A Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Wonderfully Made
Wonderfully Made
Reassuring children of their distinctiveness helps them to see that it is OK to be different.
by Catherine L. Osornio
As parents, we know how special our children are to us, but have you told your kids they are uniquely and wonderfully created? I enjoy seeing my children's smiles when I describe how God made each of them with the exact color of eyes, the right texture of hair and the precise shape of nose. We look at our fingers and talk about how the patterns on each one belong only to us. We marvel that there never has been and never will be other humans just like us.
God also gives each child specific skills and talents. Because people are designed for His purposes (Ephesians 2:10), the very things they like to do and are good at doing were designed by God. Reassuring children of their distinctiveness helps them to see that it is OK to be different. When we tell our children that God created them for specific jobs, they can feel secure knowing they are part of God's plan.
Jeremiah was told that God knew him before he was even formed. Psalm 139 talks about how each person is woven and knit in his mother's womb. God does not create mistakes. Our children need to know they are on this earth because God wants them here. They are important, and He loves them.
Being uniquely and wonderfully made is a gift. Help your children see how truly special they are to their Creator.
This article first appeared in the Discovery Years edition of the July, 2005 issue of the Focus on Your Child newsletters. Copyright © 2005 Catherine L. Osornio. All rights reserved.
Reassuring children of their distinctiveness helps them to see that it is OK to be different.
by Catherine L. Osornio
As parents, we know how special our children are to us, but have you told your kids they are uniquely and wonderfully created? I enjoy seeing my children's smiles when I describe how God made each of them with the exact color of eyes, the right texture of hair and the precise shape of nose. We look at our fingers and talk about how the patterns on each one belong only to us. We marvel that there never has been and never will be other humans just like us.
God also gives each child specific skills and talents. Because people are designed for His purposes (Ephesians 2:10), the very things they like to do and are good at doing were designed by God. Reassuring children of their distinctiveness helps them to see that it is OK to be different. When we tell our children that God created them for specific jobs, they can feel secure knowing they are part of God's plan.
Jeremiah was told that God knew him before he was even formed. Psalm 139 talks about how each person is woven and knit in his mother's womb. God does not create mistakes. Our children need to know they are on this earth because God wants them here. They are important, and He loves them.
Being uniquely and wonderfully made is a gift. Help your children see how truly special they are to their Creator.
This article first appeared in the Discovery Years edition of the July, 2005 issue of the Focus on Your Child newsletters. Copyright © 2005 Catherine L. Osornio. All rights reserved.
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