Well- how many of you have had this come up in counseling or therapy sessions for your child- well for me it has come up and I have filled out paperwork- yes it has gotten to the point of this type of help -I am still learning what it is all about so walk with me on this journey cause I will find out as much information for you and pass it along
I know you have to gather lots of information and there has to be a review before you are even considered for residential- well my son's psychiatrist and therapist and behavioral specialist highly recommend it- in which I know this is what needs to be done- I have done all I can- am I a failure no way- I just know I need more help for him then I can give and he needs to get it under control before he gets older - I want him to be successful because I know he is able
So now it is a waiting game to get through the first hurdle- I have been calling and contacting facilities and trying to get as much information as I can about the facilities so I am informed
Stay tuned will keep you posted and if you have any information post a comment
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
PTSD in parents
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children
by Jody Swarbrick
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.
It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:
Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:
The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children
by Jody Swarbrick
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.
It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:
Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:
The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Hold on
You may be going some tough times during the holiday season- I know I am- but keep holding on keep asking for the help when needed- I know it is stressful- and as many of my support family have told me take time for yourself- you will not be able to help your children if you have no rest for yourself-
I know I am so guilty of not knowing how my son is going to react at different times -but when we do not have the rest we need we are not going to be able to respond the way we need to. I am tired and weary and I am trying to work on getting time for myself and rest for myself as well
So hold on- get the help you need for yourself (take time for yourself) and never forget you are not alone even when you feel like you are-
I know I am so guilty of not knowing how my son is going to react at different times -but when we do not have the rest we need we are not going to be able to respond the way we need to. I am tired and weary and I am trying to work on getting time for myself and rest for myself as well
So hold on- get the help you need for yourself (take time for yourself) and never forget you are not alone even when you feel like you are-
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Keep getting help
If you are having concnerns with your child keep getting help-get a second opinion and thrid if need to- if you feel uncomfortable with what the Drs are telling you ask questions- be the advocate for your child. Keep seeking out Help
Sunday, November 07, 2010
be your child's advocate
well- learning this by experience- each time we need to go to the crisis unit- please make sure you are your child's advocate- push to get answers to your questions and concerns- do not allow them to do something you do not want them to do- you know your child and you know how they react to things- they are there to stablize however you keep your input strong and keep calling if you need to - so your questions can be answered
Sunday, October 31, 2010
extra help
Extra help is now available in Land O Lakes Florida- I had no idea there is now a crisis unit in Land O Lakes - right on 54. It has been a valuable source this past week.
Recoverycenter is the place to be when you are in need of some mental health issue. they will help with emotional and behavioral needs
Recoverycenter is the place to be when you are in need of some mental health issue. they will help with emotional and behavioral needs
Monday, October 18, 2010
Dealing with trust and control- adoptive parents
The sensitive parent is attuned to his or her child's natural rhythms and responds to those appropriately and timely.
by Debi A. Grebenik, Ph.D.
One family had a 12-year-old son they adopted at age six. He was adopted previously at age three when the rights of his birthparents were terminated; but unfortunately, the adoption dissolved and he lived in a residential treatment center until he was adopted by his new family. Obviously, this young boy had experienced multiple traumas in his brief life.
As a result, he exhibited significant behavioral issues. Most notably, he acted as though he were a 2- or 3-year-old. He was not able to interact socially with children his own age. In addition, he could not identify or express feelings and his cognitive delays were evident. Even his motor skills were compromised.
To their credit, the parents did not focus on some of his challenging behaviors. Instead, they provided him with unconditional love and acceptance, much like God does for us every day. Part of what these parents did was rock and cuddle with this boy to provide him with some of the connections he missed as a baby. They also told him how sad they were that they did not get to take care of him as a baby, protect him, and nurture him. They created new bonds with him as they talked constantly about how special he was to them — and they saw enormous progress in his behaviors.
The sensitive parent is attuned to his or her child's natural rhythms and responds to those appropriately and timely.1 This attunement, which is primarily nonverbal communication, is paramount to secure attachment. A parent's ability to be attuned is contingent on his or her own experiences of trust, attachment and bonding. When children have parents who respond sensitively to their signals and provide comforting bodily contact, the children can then respond readily and appropriately to the distress of others, thus demonstrating the ability to empathize.2 As a result, positive patterns of interaction are deposited in the brain's limbic system, providing a repertoire of experiences for the child to build upon. The child begins to trust and relate to his parents emotionally. This is where the healing begins.
Each child needs to make a connection with a significant adult with whom he or she can feel safe and process his or her hurts, fears, and hopes.
The three A's of attachment
Let's take a look at the three A's of Attachment as offered by Dr. B. Bryan Post:
•Attention: spending time, talking, singing, interacting
•Affection: holding, rocking, kissing, carrying
•Attunement: feeding, making eye contact, soothing, attentiveness3
Take a moment, read those, take a deep breath, and read them again. Certainly, you are providing most, if not all, of these key components. But if there is a lack in any of these areas, become proactive in emphasizing this in your relationship with your child. For most of us, this process comes naturally; for some, however, this process is difficult.
While it would be easy to be judgmental toward parents unable to provide this secure base, we must remember that some parents enter into the parenting chapter of their lives without the experience of having been adequately parented themselves.
They bring their crippling pasts to the parenting role. Some come with histories of physical abuse, sexual exploitation, extreme neglect, domestic violence, drug exposure, economic deprivation, medical trauma or parental absence. Due to the significance of these backgrounds, some will be crippled in their ability to respond sensitively to their child's needs. They may not understand the potential harm that their actions or inactions may have on a child in their care.
Attachment disorder can be transmitted intergenerationally. Children lacking secure attachments with caregivers commonly grow up to be parents who are incapable of establishing this crucial foundation with their own children. Instead of acknowledging, understanding, and following the instinct to protect, nurture, and love their children, they abuse, neglect, and abandon. But with self-awareness and help, parents can and do break these cycles. It is vital that we work together to break such cycles.
Taken from Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., © 2008 by Sanford Communications, Inc. All rights reserved
by Debi A. Grebenik, Ph.D.
One family had a 12-year-old son they adopted at age six. He was adopted previously at age three when the rights of his birthparents were terminated; but unfortunately, the adoption dissolved and he lived in a residential treatment center until he was adopted by his new family. Obviously, this young boy had experienced multiple traumas in his brief life.
As a result, he exhibited significant behavioral issues. Most notably, he acted as though he were a 2- or 3-year-old. He was not able to interact socially with children his own age. In addition, he could not identify or express feelings and his cognitive delays were evident. Even his motor skills were compromised.
To their credit, the parents did not focus on some of his challenging behaviors. Instead, they provided him with unconditional love and acceptance, much like God does for us every day. Part of what these parents did was rock and cuddle with this boy to provide him with some of the connections he missed as a baby. They also told him how sad they were that they did not get to take care of him as a baby, protect him, and nurture him. They created new bonds with him as they talked constantly about how special he was to them — and they saw enormous progress in his behaviors.
The sensitive parent is attuned to his or her child's natural rhythms and responds to those appropriately and timely.1 This attunement, which is primarily nonverbal communication, is paramount to secure attachment. A parent's ability to be attuned is contingent on his or her own experiences of trust, attachment and bonding. When children have parents who respond sensitively to their signals and provide comforting bodily contact, the children can then respond readily and appropriately to the distress of others, thus demonstrating the ability to empathize.2 As a result, positive patterns of interaction are deposited in the brain's limbic system, providing a repertoire of experiences for the child to build upon. The child begins to trust and relate to his parents emotionally. This is where the healing begins.
Each child needs to make a connection with a significant adult with whom he or she can feel safe and process his or her hurts, fears, and hopes.
The three A's of attachment
Let's take a look at the three A's of Attachment as offered by Dr. B. Bryan Post:
•Attention: spending time, talking, singing, interacting
•Affection: holding, rocking, kissing, carrying
•Attunement: feeding, making eye contact, soothing, attentiveness3
Take a moment, read those, take a deep breath, and read them again. Certainly, you are providing most, if not all, of these key components. But if there is a lack in any of these areas, become proactive in emphasizing this in your relationship with your child. For most of us, this process comes naturally; for some, however, this process is difficult.
While it would be easy to be judgmental toward parents unable to provide this secure base, we must remember that some parents enter into the parenting chapter of their lives without the experience of having been adequately parented themselves.
They bring their crippling pasts to the parenting role. Some come with histories of physical abuse, sexual exploitation, extreme neglect, domestic violence, drug exposure, economic deprivation, medical trauma or parental absence. Due to the significance of these backgrounds, some will be crippled in their ability to respond sensitively to their child's needs. They may not understand the potential harm that their actions or inactions may have on a child in their care.
Attachment disorder can be transmitted intergenerationally. Children lacking secure attachments with caregivers commonly grow up to be parents who are incapable of establishing this crucial foundation with their own children. Instead of acknowledging, understanding, and following the instinct to protect, nurture, and love their children, they abuse, neglect, and abandon. But with self-awareness and help, parents can and do break these cycles. It is vital that we work together to break such cycles.
Taken from Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., © 2008 by Sanford Communications, Inc. All rights reserved
Monday, October 11, 2010
Feeling Isolated
Feeling Isolated
When friends and family are distant during the greatest time of need
by Cindi Ferrini
Feeling Isolated - Focus on the Family
Our son Joey was almost 3, our daughter Kristina was a newborn, and my post-partum hormones were out of kilter. My husband, Joe, and I had just learned the extent of Joey's diagnosis and were feeling alone; I remember spending the better part of two weeks crying. I was saddened that he might never walk, talk, or be able to learn and longed for someone to listen, give hope and not give the "pat" answer that was easy to say but hard to hear.
Caring for our special needs son required a lot of time and effort, and I had to deal with Joey's illnesses, allergies (requiring hospital visits), seizures (that we didn't yet recognize as such), multiple therapies, trips downtown, never-ending questions and life with a toddler who couldn't walk or make his needs known.
Lonely beginnings
Much of the time my husband and I felt alone. We were physically worn out, emotionally isolated and spiritually depleted. We had great help from Joey's grandparents, who loved him deeply and accepted him fully, but in other circles we often felt people didn't know what to do or say. Occasionally, people asked, "How's Joey?" but they seldom, if ever, asked what life was like for him or us.
We were rarely asked to others' homes. Joey was never asked to come to someone's home to play. He didn't fit in with others his age, and we sensed that kept us from being included in some social gatherings. We wondered whether others thought they'd have to "get involved" if they got too close to us. In fact, we remember only one time we were all invited to someone's house for visiting and dinner. We were so excited!
Behavioral challenges
Joey could not tolerate noise and commotion. Very sensitive to sudden noises and movement, he would start screaming, hanging all over us and generally making going out not worth our effort, much less worth someone else's effort to invite us! We didn't blame others, and no one ever said we were excluded; but for whatever reason, we often felt left out. Joey's needs diminished our desire to go into those social settings, and when we did, we were often embarrassed about the way he acted, thinking others would consider us bad parents, unable to control our child. He couldn't help the behavior caused by brain malfunction, but we had difficulty separating his behavior from how we felt about it.
When Joey was young, we lacked the freedom to do some of the things our friends and their families did. Now that he is an adult, we still cannot simply pick up with our "empty nester" friends for dinner together or accept other impromptu invitations. We've never been able to go out unless we had someone we trusted to come and care for Joey. His care is different from what our girls ever needed. Sometimes we felt trapped. We didn't feel the freedom to talk about it either because we didn't want to hurt others' feelings. We didn't want others to feel obligated to invite us over or to include us, knowing we would likely have Joey with us.
Developing relationships
If we could change one thing about how we handled the challenges with our son and our parents, we would have been more vocal. We would have expressed to others exactly what was happening to our loved ones and to us as we cared for them. As our friends had grandchildren with special needs and cared for their aging parents, we discovered that they were shocked to know we had gone through the same things they were going through. Some friends were good listeners, but in looking back, we can see that we tried not to overdo it and perhaps "underdid" it.
Others will not understand what we are going through unless we tell them. Even close friends are shocked that we still shower and shave Joey as a grown man, that he can't stay home alone, that he continues to have severe behavioral issues from time to time and that we still experience times of great frustration in trying to deal with him in a positive and Christ-honoring way. As a result, we realize we should express ourselves more clearly and thoroughly, and probably should reach out to ask for help and even continue to do so. And when others offer to help, we need to be honest and practical in allowing them the privilege.
Here are some of the ways we have reached out to develop relationships:
•Invited teachers to our home for dinner to get to know them
•Chaperoned field trips when additional help was needed
•Answered calls and notes promptly so people knew we were caring individuals
•Wrote notes of encouragement to others in challenging places in life
•Thanked people who helped us at church as well as family members who reached out at various times showing concern and/or compassion
•Tried never to make people feel as if they should help us
•Allowed others to help us
•Asked for help when needed (We're still learning this one!)
•Tried to stay connected to those we love in our lives
•Shared our joys and struggles only with those willing to listen
•Desired to be transparent in our struggles so that others didn't think we had it all together
•Did not take advantage of others' help
•Took chances in building relationships by learning with whom we could share, what we could share and with whom we could or couldn't cry
•Prayed with and for others, including doctors, teachers, family and friends
•Provided meals for others as we were able
•Watched others' children when needed
•Helped others in practical ways when needed
•Accepted advice and counsel from our parents, friends, doctors, teachers, aides and even our children
•Accepted meals with gratitude and always wrote a note of thanks
•Tried to show appreciation without criticism, expectation, whining or complaining about how those who helped did things differently from us
•When someone offered some service, wrote down their name so we could ask them for help when we had need (a list that came in handy a number of times)
We want others to sense from us that we are willing to work together, not just have things our way. We want our participation in a relationship to be "life-giving," not "life-draining." In our desire to balance those fragile areas of relationships, we want to love like Jesus and not be indifferent to others. Sometimes that means protecting ourselves and our family, and other times it means giving above and beyond what we think we are able. In both instances we seek the Lord and depend upon Him for guidance and direction.
Adapted from Unexpected Journey: When Special Needs Change Our Course by Joe and Cindi Ferrini. Copyright ©2009. Used by permission of Joe and Cindi Ferrini. All rights reserved.
When friends and family are distant during the greatest time of need
by Cindi Ferrini
Feeling Isolated - Focus on the Family
Our son Joey was almost 3, our daughter Kristina was a newborn, and my post-partum hormones were out of kilter. My husband, Joe, and I had just learned the extent of Joey's diagnosis and were feeling alone; I remember spending the better part of two weeks crying. I was saddened that he might never walk, talk, or be able to learn and longed for someone to listen, give hope and not give the "pat" answer that was easy to say but hard to hear.
Caring for our special needs son required a lot of time and effort, and I had to deal with Joey's illnesses, allergies (requiring hospital visits), seizures (that we didn't yet recognize as such), multiple therapies, trips downtown, never-ending questions and life with a toddler who couldn't walk or make his needs known.
Lonely beginnings
Much of the time my husband and I felt alone. We were physically worn out, emotionally isolated and spiritually depleted. We had great help from Joey's grandparents, who loved him deeply and accepted him fully, but in other circles we often felt people didn't know what to do or say. Occasionally, people asked, "How's Joey?" but they seldom, if ever, asked what life was like for him or us.
We were rarely asked to others' homes. Joey was never asked to come to someone's home to play. He didn't fit in with others his age, and we sensed that kept us from being included in some social gatherings. We wondered whether others thought they'd have to "get involved" if they got too close to us. In fact, we remember only one time we were all invited to someone's house for visiting and dinner. We were so excited!
Behavioral challenges
Joey could not tolerate noise and commotion. Very sensitive to sudden noises and movement, he would start screaming, hanging all over us and generally making going out not worth our effort, much less worth someone else's effort to invite us! We didn't blame others, and no one ever said we were excluded; but for whatever reason, we often felt left out. Joey's needs diminished our desire to go into those social settings, and when we did, we were often embarrassed about the way he acted, thinking others would consider us bad parents, unable to control our child. He couldn't help the behavior caused by brain malfunction, but we had difficulty separating his behavior from how we felt about it.
When Joey was young, we lacked the freedom to do some of the things our friends and their families did. Now that he is an adult, we still cannot simply pick up with our "empty nester" friends for dinner together or accept other impromptu invitations. We've never been able to go out unless we had someone we trusted to come and care for Joey. His care is different from what our girls ever needed. Sometimes we felt trapped. We didn't feel the freedom to talk about it either because we didn't want to hurt others' feelings. We didn't want others to feel obligated to invite us over or to include us, knowing we would likely have Joey with us.
Developing relationships
If we could change one thing about how we handled the challenges with our son and our parents, we would have been more vocal. We would have expressed to others exactly what was happening to our loved ones and to us as we cared for them. As our friends had grandchildren with special needs and cared for their aging parents, we discovered that they were shocked to know we had gone through the same things they were going through. Some friends were good listeners, but in looking back, we can see that we tried not to overdo it and perhaps "underdid" it.
Others will not understand what we are going through unless we tell them. Even close friends are shocked that we still shower and shave Joey as a grown man, that he can't stay home alone, that he continues to have severe behavioral issues from time to time and that we still experience times of great frustration in trying to deal with him in a positive and Christ-honoring way. As a result, we realize we should express ourselves more clearly and thoroughly, and probably should reach out to ask for help and even continue to do so. And when others offer to help, we need to be honest and practical in allowing them the privilege.
Here are some of the ways we have reached out to develop relationships:
•Invited teachers to our home for dinner to get to know them
•Chaperoned field trips when additional help was needed
•Answered calls and notes promptly so people knew we were caring individuals
•Wrote notes of encouragement to others in challenging places in life
•Thanked people who helped us at church as well as family members who reached out at various times showing concern and/or compassion
•Tried never to make people feel as if they should help us
•Allowed others to help us
•Asked for help when needed (We're still learning this one!)
•Tried to stay connected to those we love in our lives
•Shared our joys and struggles only with those willing to listen
•Desired to be transparent in our struggles so that others didn't think we had it all together
•Did not take advantage of others' help
•Took chances in building relationships by learning with whom we could share, what we could share and with whom we could or couldn't cry
•Prayed with and for others, including doctors, teachers, family and friends
•Provided meals for others as we were able
•Watched others' children when needed
•Helped others in practical ways when needed
•Accepted advice and counsel from our parents, friends, doctors, teachers, aides and even our children
•Accepted meals with gratitude and always wrote a note of thanks
•Tried to show appreciation without criticism, expectation, whining or complaining about how those who helped did things differently from us
•When someone offered some service, wrote down their name so we could ask them for help when we had need (a list that came in handy a number of times)
We want others to sense from us that we are willing to work together, not just have things our way. We want our participation in a relationship to be "life-giving," not "life-draining." In our desire to balance those fragile areas of relationships, we want to love like Jesus and not be indifferent to others. Sometimes that means protecting ourselves and our family, and other times it means giving above and beyond what we think we are able. In both instances we seek the Lord and depend upon Him for guidance and direction.
Adapted from Unexpected Journey: When Special Needs Change Our Course by Joe and Cindi Ferrini. Copyright ©2009. Used by permission of Joe and Cindi Ferrini. All rights reserved.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Anger part 2
Anger Busters for Kids
Here are some ideas to calm your child.
by Lynne M. Thompson
This Article Anger Busters for Kids - Focus on the Family
Your child is yelling, slamming doors and having an all-out tantrum … but can he trust you with his anger? Punishing the behaviors associated with anger might be a quick fix, but without instruction your child will lose out. National anger management trainer Bob Bowen warns that children who never learn proper ways to express their frustration will eventually find their own, often inappropriate, methods.
"At 7 years old she may be yelling or pulling someone's hair, but by age 16 she will have developed 15 other incorrect ways to say 'I'm frustrated.' She has to find her own path because, as parents, we haven't given her the correct one."
The road to teaching proper "anger behavior" can be extremely bumpy when parents are sucked into the heat of the moment. Parents need first to handle their own emotions.
"When a child sees a parent managing his own frustration and anger, he will learn by example," Bowen says. "How a parent responds to his child's anger is how the parent teaches."
Teaching discipline instead of punishing the child equips him with anger management tools that can be used the rest of his life. Here are eight things you can do to help your child learn how to express his anger positively.
Eight Great Anger Busters
1.Model anger management. "Mommy is feeling very angry right now, so I'm going to take time to be alone and get some self-control.
2.Show respect. Don't participate by calling names or getting physical.
3.Give them words to express their anger. "I know you are disappointed, or sad or frustrated."
4.Identify with their pain. "I remember when I didn't get to go to a party…"
5.Set positive limits. Instead of saying, "Don't you throw that doll," say, "After you put the doll on the table, we can go have snack."
6.Redirect energy bursts that often come with anger. Encourage positive outlets like running, jumping, blowing into a horn or painting.
7.Avoid power struggles with your child. They're always lose-lose situations. If your goal is to control, you will teach him to control others.
8.Provide a cooling-off period by reading a book together or going on a walk. Then calmly discuss what happened and make a plan for next time.
Here are some ideas to calm your child.
by Lynne M. Thompson
This Article Anger Busters for Kids - Focus on the Family
Your child is yelling, slamming doors and having an all-out tantrum … but can he trust you with his anger? Punishing the behaviors associated with anger might be a quick fix, but without instruction your child will lose out. National anger management trainer Bob Bowen warns that children who never learn proper ways to express their frustration will eventually find their own, often inappropriate, methods.
"At 7 years old she may be yelling or pulling someone's hair, but by age 16 she will have developed 15 other incorrect ways to say 'I'm frustrated.' She has to find her own path because, as parents, we haven't given her the correct one."
The road to teaching proper "anger behavior" can be extremely bumpy when parents are sucked into the heat of the moment. Parents need first to handle their own emotions.
"When a child sees a parent managing his own frustration and anger, he will learn by example," Bowen says. "How a parent responds to his child's anger is how the parent teaches."
Teaching discipline instead of punishing the child equips him with anger management tools that can be used the rest of his life. Here are eight things you can do to help your child learn how to express his anger positively.
Eight Great Anger Busters
1.Model anger management. "Mommy is feeling very angry right now, so I'm going to take time to be alone and get some self-control.
2.Show respect. Don't participate by calling names or getting physical.
3.Give them words to express their anger. "I know you are disappointed, or sad or frustrated."
4.Identify with their pain. "I remember when I didn't get to go to a party…"
5.Set positive limits. Instead of saying, "Don't you throw that doll," say, "After you put the doll on the table, we can go have snack."
6.Redirect energy bursts that often come with anger. Encourage positive outlets like running, jumping, blowing into a horn or painting.
7.Avoid power struggles with your child. They're always lose-lose situations. If your goal is to control, you will teach him to control others.
8.Provide a cooling-off period by reading a book together or going on a walk. Then calmly discuss what happened and make a plan for next time.
Monday, October 04, 2010
An interruption from the normal posts
I want to share a little bit of a song with you by Rita Springer-
This Blood- Rita Springer
So I come, to tell you He’s alive
To tell you that He dries,every tear that falls
So I come, to tell you that He saves
To shout and to proclaim that He is coming back for you,
This Life, This Price, This Blood, This One
I went to a conference this past weekend and really those of you witj special needs kids were so on my heart- I truly want you to know you are not alone and I am here for you and if you are in the Tampa Area there is a church for you to come to where your kids will be loved and accepted.
CelebrationChurch is where you are loved and welcomed and so are your kids- how do I know - well I work with the kids and have been there for 10 years.
This Blood- Rita Springer
So I come, to tell you He’s alive
To tell you that He dries,every tear that falls
So I come, to tell you that He saves
To shout and to proclaim that He is coming back for you,
This Life, This Price, This Blood, This One
I went to a conference this past weekend and really those of you witj special needs kids were so on my heart- I truly want you to know you are not alone and I am here for you and if you are in the Tampa Area there is a church for you to come to where your kids will be loved and accepted.
CelebrationChurch is where you are loved and welcomed and so are your kids- how do I know - well I work with the kids and have been there for 10 years.
I want you to realize God is there for you and he knows every tear you have had for your child, every heartache, every fear- He is there for you and so is the family at Celebration Church
Friday, September 24, 2010
Anger Management - dealing with anger part 1
I am going to be speaking on anger over the next few posts- because that is what I deal mostly with my son- I have obtained a lot of information over the 5 years in working with him so I want to share with you some techniques - some mistakes I have made and some things you just have to keep reiterating-
Part 1 is from an article from Focus on the Family
Uncovering the Pain Behind Your Child's Anger
Learn how to recognize the reasons for anger, and whether it's appropriate or not.
by Shana Schutte
As an elementary public school teacher, I was appalled when one of my first grade students stood on a chair, threw his arms up and screamed, "I hate you!" followed by numerous expletives describing his feelings about me. Because I'd been a compliant child, I didn't understand why so many of my students were angry and I didn't know what to do.
Perhaps you're at the end of your rope like I was. Not because you're a teacher with angry students, but because the sweet baby you birthed is now an irritated four-to-seven year old who is pitching fits, screaming, yelling and throwing things.
You're not alone.
Parents everywhere are wringing their hands in desperation because one — or more — of their elementary-aged children are out of control with anger.
Many people believe that kids are like little rubber people — trouble bounces off and nothing bothers them long term. However, anger is a sign that children feel deeply and are not as resilient as we might think. Why? Because anger is a response to pain. It's like a blinking light on the dashboard of your car that tells you something is wrong under the hood. For this reason, wise parents will not ignore or minimize their child's anger.
That said, what can you do to help your child manage his anger and develop into a healthy adult the way God desires? Here are some suggestions:
To begin, try to pinpoint why your child is angry
When children visit Karen L. Maudlin, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, to learn how to manage anger, she begins by identifying any biological causes behind the anger, such as allergies, learning disabilities or developmental disorders.
One boy who visited Dr. Maudlin was restless, unfocused in class and often irritable. Because the boy's outbursts only occurred in the spring months and not during winter, Dr. Maudlin suggested allergy testing. Sure enough, he had severe reactions to mold, pollen, ragweed and grass. After he received allergy treatment, his moods returned to normal. No wonder he was angry. Many adults feel that way when they're sick too.
Begin by asking yourself if there are biological factors that could be contributing to your child's anger. For additional help, visit a physician and your school's diagnostician.
After you've ruled out biological factors, move on to other life stressors
I recently heard on the radio that one woman's fourth grader is learning algebra at school. She was shocked. So was I. I wasn’t learning math like that until 7th grade.
As life stressors, including job expectations, have increased for adults, school performance for kids has, too. If a child is expected to perform beyond his capabilities, either in school or at home, he can become angry. Kids can also become angry due to other life stressors such as moving, divorce or losing a loved one, including a family pet or a close friend.
When Joshua, one of my third grade students, started arguing and fighting with classmates, I was surprised because he'd always been exceptionally courteous. The afternoon he stole several pocketfuls of crayons from my classroom and clogged up the school plumbing by flushing them down the toilet, I knew something was seriously wrong. One day, his father visited after school and explained, "Joshua's mother and I are getting a divorce." A light went on. Of course! No wonder he's angry. He's hurting.
To identify life stressors, ask yourself when your child seems to exhibit anger. Is it during playtime? After he wakes up? When confronted with a particular person? During a particular time of day? Or since a specific family event took place?
Once you've identified why your child is becoming angry, there are several other things to keep in mind.
Don't try to keep your child from getting angry
Anger is a natural human emotion, but many Christians are under the false belief that anger is wrong. However, God never told us not to become angry — He said to be angry and not sin (Ephesians 4:26). This Scripture shows that God knows we'll get angry because sometimes life hurts. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to let your child know it's okay to get mad.
Telling a child she is not allowed to become angry will create an emotionally unhealthy adult who suffers from guilt and who does not know how to accept her feelings, or how to work through what's hurt her.
However, just because it's okay to get angry, it's not okay to handle anger inappropriately, and your child needs to know that.
Help your child find alternative ways to handle anger
One of my students who hurt others in moments of rage was given strict boundaries for handling his anger. He was disciplined when he acted inappropriately, but was also taught through counseling how to put himself in time-out when he felt himself getting mad. At these times, he would come to me and say, "Miss Schutte, I'm getting angry. Can I go out into the hallway until I cool off?" Once he felt he was ready, he came back into class calmed down. Sometimes he chose to speak with me about what bothered him.
There are other, healthy ways to deal with anger. One woman I know has placed a punching bag and soft toys in a room for her son to hit. This has proven effective for him to manage his frustrations. Of course, his mother also makes time to talk and pray with him about what he feels without shaming him.
The most important thing to remember while helping your child deal with anger is that he is a person with real emotions — just like you.
If your efforts to help your child seem ineffective and he is still angry, seek out professional intervention from a school or professional counselor.
Copyright © 2008 Shana Schutte. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Part 1 is from an article from Focus on the Family
Uncovering the Pain Behind Your Child's Anger
Learn how to recognize the reasons for anger, and whether it's appropriate or not.
by Shana Schutte
As an elementary public school teacher, I was appalled when one of my first grade students stood on a chair, threw his arms up and screamed, "I hate you!" followed by numerous expletives describing his feelings about me. Because I'd been a compliant child, I didn't understand why so many of my students were angry and I didn't know what to do.
Perhaps you're at the end of your rope like I was. Not because you're a teacher with angry students, but because the sweet baby you birthed is now an irritated four-to-seven year old who is pitching fits, screaming, yelling and throwing things.
You're not alone.
Parents everywhere are wringing their hands in desperation because one — or more — of their elementary-aged children are out of control with anger.
Many people believe that kids are like little rubber people — trouble bounces off and nothing bothers them long term. However, anger is a sign that children feel deeply and are not as resilient as we might think. Why? Because anger is a response to pain. It's like a blinking light on the dashboard of your car that tells you something is wrong under the hood. For this reason, wise parents will not ignore or minimize their child's anger.
That said, what can you do to help your child manage his anger and develop into a healthy adult the way God desires? Here are some suggestions:
To begin, try to pinpoint why your child is angry
When children visit Karen L. Maudlin, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, to learn how to manage anger, she begins by identifying any biological causes behind the anger, such as allergies, learning disabilities or developmental disorders.
One boy who visited Dr. Maudlin was restless, unfocused in class and often irritable. Because the boy's outbursts only occurred in the spring months and not during winter, Dr. Maudlin suggested allergy testing. Sure enough, he had severe reactions to mold, pollen, ragweed and grass. After he received allergy treatment, his moods returned to normal. No wonder he was angry. Many adults feel that way when they're sick too.
Begin by asking yourself if there are biological factors that could be contributing to your child's anger. For additional help, visit a physician and your school's diagnostician.
After you've ruled out biological factors, move on to other life stressors
I recently heard on the radio that one woman's fourth grader is learning algebra at school. She was shocked. So was I. I wasn’t learning math like that until 7th grade.
As life stressors, including job expectations, have increased for adults, school performance for kids has, too. If a child is expected to perform beyond his capabilities, either in school or at home, he can become angry. Kids can also become angry due to other life stressors such as moving, divorce or losing a loved one, including a family pet or a close friend.
When Joshua, one of my third grade students, started arguing and fighting with classmates, I was surprised because he'd always been exceptionally courteous. The afternoon he stole several pocketfuls of crayons from my classroom and clogged up the school plumbing by flushing them down the toilet, I knew something was seriously wrong. One day, his father visited after school and explained, "Joshua's mother and I are getting a divorce." A light went on. Of course! No wonder he's angry. He's hurting.
To identify life stressors, ask yourself when your child seems to exhibit anger. Is it during playtime? After he wakes up? When confronted with a particular person? During a particular time of day? Or since a specific family event took place?
Once you've identified why your child is becoming angry, there are several other things to keep in mind.
Don't try to keep your child from getting angry
Anger is a natural human emotion, but many Christians are under the false belief that anger is wrong. However, God never told us not to become angry — He said to be angry and not sin (Ephesians 4:26). This Scripture shows that God knows we'll get angry because sometimes life hurts. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to let your child know it's okay to get mad.
Telling a child she is not allowed to become angry will create an emotionally unhealthy adult who suffers from guilt and who does not know how to accept her feelings, or how to work through what's hurt her.
However, just because it's okay to get angry, it's not okay to handle anger inappropriately, and your child needs to know that.
Help your child find alternative ways to handle anger
One of my students who hurt others in moments of rage was given strict boundaries for handling his anger. He was disciplined when he acted inappropriately, but was also taught through counseling how to put himself in time-out when he felt himself getting mad. At these times, he would come to me and say, "Miss Schutte, I'm getting angry. Can I go out into the hallway until I cool off?" Once he felt he was ready, he came back into class calmed down. Sometimes he chose to speak with me about what bothered him.
There are other, healthy ways to deal with anger. One woman I know has placed a punching bag and soft toys in a room for her son to hit. This has proven effective for him to manage his frustrations. Of course, his mother also makes time to talk and pray with him about what he feels without shaming him.
The most important thing to remember while helping your child deal with anger is that he is a person with real emotions — just like you.
If your efforts to help your child seem ineffective and he is still angry, seek out professional intervention from a school or professional counselor.
Copyright © 2008 Shana Schutte. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
How to Help ADHD Child
How to Help an ADHD Child
Unlocking the potential in your ADHD child will require some work on your part, but it will be well worth it.
by Dr. Walt Larimore
At Focus on the Family, we receive letters from children, adolescents and young adults who live with ADHD. One of the most heartrending came from a boy in the seventh grade. Here is some of what he wrote:
When I began the second grade, I went from having a good teacher to a hard one. I did not feel ready for second grade, and felt different from the other kids. Writing words were hard, like writing the Korean numbers. No letters or numbers made sense, and I had trouble remembering everything I learned. I did not understand and remember the directions, and everyone seemed mad at me all the time.
When you're in second grade, you feel pressure to wear cool clothes and hang out with cool friends and do well in school. I began to feel like I was a failure and heard my teacher tell my mom I was at the bottom of my class. What did that mean? I did not know, really, what that meant until the other kids made fun of me and called me "stupid." I felt stupid. I told my mom I was stupid. My pride was hurt because I didn't feel like the other kids, or I didn't feel like I belonged. Everyone seemed to have fun and school stuff was easy for them.
I had one friend like me, and we started a club only for kids like me. My teacher told my parents that I might have a learning disease, and should have some tests. I had a tutor everyday after school, and I learned the stuff real good at night, but at school I could not remember what I'd learned or the right way to do problems.
In fifth grade I still had trouble learning, and people, especially my teachers, were getting more and more mad at me for forgetting. Sometimes, I would forget all the stuff and have fun. Sometimes I would not. Mostly, not.
My mom tried really hard to help me remember things, and she was starting to get mad at me, too. They told me I was not trying. The teacher told my mom I was lying about not remembering and that I was lazy. I'm not lazy. I'm just so tired of people telling me to try harder. I did not blame them for my disease, so why does everybody blame me?
He goes on and describes a terrible thing that happened at school when he was forced by a teacher to pick up trash because he wouldn't do his homework. Kids started calling him the "Trash Man" and the name stuck.
I wish I could say that this is the only letter like this we have received at Focus on the Family. Unfortunately, it is not. These young people, without proper parental and medical care, can easily become defeated — first academically, then emotionally, socially and spiritually. With prayer and proper care, these specially gifted kids can have academic success. They can discover who God created them to be and find what He has in store for them.
Support Groups
Successful management of ADHD involves a range of options. The first and foremost, after diagnosis, is education. The person living with ADHD is usually greatly relieved to learn that he has an identifiable, treatable condition. They are gratified (as are their parents) to learn that they've done nothing wrong. This condition is not caused, but you are born with it. It's part of your design and make-up. Best of all, God can and does use ADHD in His particular and peculiar plan for your life.
One organization that may be able to help is CHADD (www.chadd.org*), which provides an incredible amount of evidence-based and trustworthy information. They can offer the seeds, at least, for parent support groups. This organization, and others, can help you gather information.
However, let me share a caution here. Parent support groups, if not carefully done, can turn into gripe and whine sessions. That is not helpful and is sometimes harmful. All of us need someone to gripe to on occasion, no doubt, but unless there's some direction to the group, such as, "Okay, now we've heard everyone's complaints, what can we do about it?" it just stays at the complaining level. Then the kids pay the price. I've seen parents come home from such a group and get all over their child because of what they talked about at the support group. That's not helpful for the parent or the child.
Discipline and Structure for the ADHD Child
One of our constituents wrote to Focus on the Family saying, "We have a 5-year-old son who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is difficult to handle, and I have no idea how to manage him. I know he has a neurological problem; I don't feel right about making him obey like we do our other children. It is a big problem for us. What do you suggest?"
Dr. Dobson responded to this mother: "I understand your dilemma, but I urge you to discipline your son. Every youngster needs the security of defined limits, and the ADHD child is no exception. Such a child should be held responsible for his behavior, although the approach may be a little different."
According to Dr. Dobson, "most children can be required to sit on a chair for disciplinary reasons. However, the ADHD child would probably not be able to remain there. In the same way, spanking may actually be ineffective with highly excitable children. As with every aspect of parenthood, disciplinary measures for the ADHD child must be suited to his or her unique characteristics and needs."
Here are 18 suggestions from a book by Dr. Domeena Renshaw entitled The Hyperactive Child. Though her book is now out of print, Dr. Renshaw's advice is still valid:
1.Be consistent in rules and discipline.
2.Keep your own voice quiet and slow. Anger is normal. Anger can be controlled. Anger does not mean you do not love your child.
3.Try to keep your emotions cool by bracing for expected turmoil. Recognize and respond to any positive behavior, however small. If you search for good things, you will find them.
4.Avoid a ceaselessly negative approach: "Stop." "Don't." "No."
5.Separate behavior, which you may not like, from the child's person (e.g., "I like you. I don't like your tracking mud through the house.").
6.Establish a clear routine. Construct a timetable for waking, eating, play, television, study, chores and bedtime. Follow it flexibly when he disrupts it. Slowly your structure will reassure him until he develops his own.
7.Demonstrate new or difficult tasks, using action accompanied by short, clear, quiet explanations. Repeat the demonstration until learned, using audiovisual-sensory perceptions to reinforce the learning. The memory traces of a hyperactive child take longer to form. Be patient and repeat.
8.Designate a separate room or a part of a room that is his special area. Avoid brilliant colors or complex patterns in decor. Simplicity, solid colors, minimal clutter and a worktable facing a blank wall away from distractions help concentration. A hyperactive child cannot filter overstimulation.
9.Do one thing at a time: Give him one toy from a closed box; clear the table of everything else when coloring; turn off the radio/television when he is doing homework. Multiple stimuli prevent his concentration from focusing on his primary task.
10.Give him responsibility, which is essential for growth. The task should be within his capacity, although the assignment may need much supervision. Acceptance and recognition of his efforts (even when imperfect) should not be forgotten.
11.Read his pre-explosive warning signals. Quietly intervene to avoid explosions by distracting him or discussing the conflict calmly. Removal from the battle zone to the sanctuary of his room for a few minutes can help.
12.Restrict playmates to one or two at a time because he is so excitable. Your home is more suitable so you can provide structure and supervision. Explain your rules to the playmate and briefly tell the other parent your reasons.
13.Do not pity, tease, be frightened by or overindulge your child. He has a special condition of the nervous system that is manageable.
14.Know the name and dose of his medication. Give it regularly. Watch and remember the effects to report back to your physician.
15.Openly discuss with your physician any fears you have about the use of medications.
16.Lock up all medications to avoid accidental misuse.
17.Always supervise the taking of medication, even if it is routine over a long period of years. Responsibility remains with the parents! One day's supply at a time can be put in a regular place and checked routinely as he becomes older and more self-reliant.
18.Share your successful tips with his teacher.
The outlined ways to help your hyperactive child are as important to him as diet and insulin are to a diabetic child.
Adapted from Why ADHD Doesn't Mean Disaster by Dennis Swanberg, Diane Passno and Walter L. Larimore, M.D. A Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers.
Unlocking the potential in your ADHD child will require some work on your part, but it will be well worth it.
by Dr. Walt Larimore
At Focus on the Family, we receive letters from children, adolescents and young adults who live with ADHD. One of the most heartrending came from a boy in the seventh grade. Here is some of what he wrote:
When I began the second grade, I went from having a good teacher to a hard one. I did not feel ready for second grade, and felt different from the other kids. Writing words were hard, like writing the Korean numbers. No letters or numbers made sense, and I had trouble remembering everything I learned. I did not understand and remember the directions, and everyone seemed mad at me all the time.
When you're in second grade, you feel pressure to wear cool clothes and hang out with cool friends and do well in school. I began to feel like I was a failure and heard my teacher tell my mom I was at the bottom of my class. What did that mean? I did not know, really, what that meant until the other kids made fun of me and called me "stupid." I felt stupid. I told my mom I was stupid. My pride was hurt because I didn't feel like the other kids, or I didn't feel like I belonged. Everyone seemed to have fun and school stuff was easy for them.
I had one friend like me, and we started a club only for kids like me. My teacher told my parents that I might have a learning disease, and should have some tests. I had a tutor everyday after school, and I learned the stuff real good at night, but at school I could not remember what I'd learned or the right way to do problems.
In fifth grade I still had trouble learning, and people, especially my teachers, were getting more and more mad at me for forgetting. Sometimes, I would forget all the stuff and have fun. Sometimes I would not. Mostly, not.
My mom tried really hard to help me remember things, and she was starting to get mad at me, too. They told me I was not trying. The teacher told my mom I was lying about not remembering and that I was lazy. I'm not lazy. I'm just so tired of people telling me to try harder. I did not blame them for my disease, so why does everybody blame me?
He goes on and describes a terrible thing that happened at school when he was forced by a teacher to pick up trash because he wouldn't do his homework. Kids started calling him the "Trash Man" and the name stuck.
I wish I could say that this is the only letter like this we have received at Focus on the Family. Unfortunately, it is not. These young people, without proper parental and medical care, can easily become defeated — first academically, then emotionally, socially and spiritually. With prayer and proper care, these specially gifted kids can have academic success. They can discover who God created them to be and find what He has in store for them.
Support Groups
Successful management of ADHD involves a range of options. The first and foremost, after diagnosis, is education. The person living with ADHD is usually greatly relieved to learn that he has an identifiable, treatable condition. They are gratified (as are their parents) to learn that they've done nothing wrong. This condition is not caused, but you are born with it. It's part of your design and make-up. Best of all, God can and does use ADHD in His particular and peculiar plan for your life.
One organization that may be able to help is CHADD (www.chadd.org*), which provides an incredible amount of evidence-based and trustworthy information. They can offer the seeds, at least, for parent support groups. This organization, and others, can help you gather information.
However, let me share a caution here. Parent support groups, if not carefully done, can turn into gripe and whine sessions. That is not helpful and is sometimes harmful. All of us need someone to gripe to on occasion, no doubt, but unless there's some direction to the group, such as, "Okay, now we've heard everyone's complaints, what can we do about it?" it just stays at the complaining level. Then the kids pay the price. I've seen parents come home from such a group and get all over their child because of what they talked about at the support group. That's not helpful for the parent or the child.
Discipline and Structure for the ADHD Child
One of our constituents wrote to Focus on the Family saying, "We have a 5-year-old son who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is difficult to handle, and I have no idea how to manage him. I know he has a neurological problem; I don't feel right about making him obey like we do our other children. It is a big problem for us. What do you suggest?"
Dr. Dobson responded to this mother: "I understand your dilemma, but I urge you to discipline your son. Every youngster needs the security of defined limits, and the ADHD child is no exception. Such a child should be held responsible for his behavior, although the approach may be a little different."
According to Dr. Dobson, "most children can be required to sit on a chair for disciplinary reasons. However, the ADHD child would probably not be able to remain there. In the same way, spanking may actually be ineffective with highly excitable children. As with every aspect of parenthood, disciplinary measures for the ADHD child must be suited to his or her unique characteristics and needs."
Here are 18 suggestions from a book by Dr. Domeena Renshaw entitled The Hyperactive Child. Though her book is now out of print, Dr. Renshaw's advice is still valid:
1.Be consistent in rules and discipline.
2.Keep your own voice quiet and slow. Anger is normal. Anger can be controlled. Anger does not mean you do not love your child.
3.Try to keep your emotions cool by bracing for expected turmoil. Recognize and respond to any positive behavior, however small. If you search for good things, you will find them.
4.Avoid a ceaselessly negative approach: "Stop." "Don't." "No."
5.Separate behavior, which you may not like, from the child's person (e.g., "I like you. I don't like your tracking mud through the house.").
6.Establish a clear routine. Construct a timetable for waking, eating, play, television, study, chores and bedtime. Follow it flexibly when he disrupts it. Slowly your structure will reassure him until he develops his own.
7.Demonstrate new or difficult tasks, using action accompanied by short, clear, quiet explanations. Repeat the demonstration until learned, using audiovisual-sensory perceptions to reinforce the learning. The memory traces of a hyperactive child take longer to form. Be patient and repeat.
8.Designate a separate room or a part of a room that is his special area. Avoid brilliant colors or complex patterns in decor. Simplicity, solid colors, minimal clutter and a worktable facing a blank wall away from distractions help concentration. A hyperactive child cannot filter overstimulation.
9.Do one thing at a time: Give him one toy from a closed box; clear the table of everything else when coloring; turn off the radio/television when he is doing homework. Multiple stimuli prevent his concentration from focusing on his primary task.
10.Give him responsibility, which is essential for growth. The task should be within his capacity, although the assignment may need much supervision. Acceptance and recognition of his efforts (even when imperfect) should not be forgotten.
11.Read his pre-explosive warning signals. Quietly intervene to avoid explosions by distracting him or discussing the conflict calmly. Removal from the battle zone to the sanctuary of his room for a few minutes can help.
12.Restrict playmates to one or two at a time because he is so excitable. Your home is more suitable so you can provide structure and supervision. Explain your rules to the playmate and briefly tell the other parent your reasons.
13.Do not pity, tease, be frightened by or overindulge your child. He has a special condition of the nervous system that is manageable.
14.Know the name and dose of his medication. Give it regularly. Watch and remember the effects to report back to your physician.
15.Openly discuss with your physician any fears you have about the use of medications.
16.Lock up all medications to avoid accidental misuse.
17.Always supervise the taking of medication, even if it is routine over a long period of years. Responsibility remains with the parents! One day's supply at a time can be put in a regular place and checked routinely as he becomes older and more self-reliant.
18.Share your successful tips with his teacher.
The outlined ways to help your hyperactive child are as important to him as diet and insulin are to a diabetic child.
Adapted from Why ADHD Doesn't Mean Disaster by Dennis Swanberg, Diane Passno and Walter L. Larimore, M.D. A Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Wonderfully Made
Wonderfully Made
Reassuring children of their distinctiveness helps them to see that it is OK to be different.
by Catherine L. Osornio
As parents, we know how special our children are to us, but have you told your kids they are uniquely and wonderfully created? I enjoy seeing my children's smiles when I describe how God made each of them with the exact color of eyes, the right texture of hair and the precise shape of nose. We look at our fingers and talk about how the patterns on each one belong only to us. We marvel that there never has been and never will be other humans just like us.
God also gives each child specific skills and talents. Because people are designed for His purposes (Ephesians 2:10), the very things they like to do and are good at doing were designed by God. Reassuring children of their distinctiveness helps them to see that it is OK to be different. When we tell our children that God created them for specific jobs, they can feel secure knowing they are part of God's plan.
Jeremiah was told that God knew him before he was even formed. Psalm 139 talks about how each person is woven and knit in his mother's womb. God does not create mistakes. Our children need to know they are on this earth because God wants them here. They are important, and He loves them.
Being uniquely and wonderfully made is a gift. Help your children see how truly special they are to their Creator.
This article first appeared in the Discovery Years edition of the July, 2005 issue of the Focus on Your Child newsletters. Copyright © 2005 Catherine L. Osornio. All rights reserved.
Reassuring children of their distinctiveness helps them to see that it is OK to be different.
by Catherine L. Osornio
As parents, we know how special our children are to us, but have you told your kids they are uniquely and wonderfully created? I enjoy seeing my children's smiles when I describe how God made each of them with the exact color of eyes, the right texture of hair and the precise shape of nose. We look at our fingers and talk about how the patterns on each one belong only to us. We marvel that there never has been and never will be other humans just like us.
God also gives each child specific skills and talents. Because people are designed for His purposes (Ephesians 2:10), the very things they like to do and are good at doing were designed by God. Reassuring children of their distinctiveness helps them to see that it is OK to be different. When we tell our children that God created them for specific jobs, they can feel secure knowing they are part of God's plan.
Jeremiah was told that God knew him before he was even formed. Psalm 139 talks about how each person is woven and knit in his mother's womb. God does not create mistakes. Our children need to know they are on this earth because God wants them here. They are important, and He loves them.
Being uniquely and wonderfully made is a gift. Help your children see how truly special they are to their Creator.
This article first appeared in the Discovery Years edition of the July, 2005 issue of the Focus on Your Child newsletters. Copyright © 2005 Catherine L. Osornio. All rights reserved.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Rewards-
Rewards are often central to effective home interventions. As possible incentives that children can earn for appropriate home performance or conduct, these reinforcers (or rewards) often serve as the motivational engine that drives successful interventions. Reward systems are usually most powerful when a child can select from a range of reward choices (reward menu). Offering children a menu of possible rewards is effective because it both gives children a meaningful choice of reinforcers and reduces the likelihood that the child will eventually tire of any specific reward.
However, some children (e.g., those with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) may lose interest in specific reward choices more quickly than do their typical peers. Parents will want to regularly update and refresh reward menus for such children to ensure these reinforcers retain their power to positively shape those child's behaviors.
However, some children (e.g., those with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) may lose interest in specific reward choices more quickly than do their typical peers. Parents will want to regularly update and refresh reward menus for such children to ensure these reinforcers retain their power to positively shape those child's behaviors.
I allow my son to choose the reward for the week- if I think that is not an agreeable one he chooses another- this reward or this reward works great - good behavior choices earn the reward- he has to earn so many points to purchase the reward for a fun Sunday- will write about point sheets for home use in the next blog I write.
reward info was adapted for home use by Pasco County School
Thursday, August 12, 2010
A good work book for you to try
Our therapist has been working with my son on this book - so I got it and have begun working with him on it as well- it is good. You can get it on amazon.com or barnes and nobles
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Are you prepping for school to start
I know our school starts Monday the 16th- what are you doing to get your child ready? Here are some ideas
From the Attitude Website
Review the symptoms with your child's teacher
Discuss the IEP with your child's teacher
Meet the teacher
Give your child a self esteem boost- encourage
Set Goals
Set Rewards
Choose a sport for afterschool
School help- have child to do errands if they are ansy
Have child set up a signal with the teacher if they are feeling overwhelmed the child can signal
Have meds ready for school
From the Attitude Website
Review the symptoms with your child's teacher
Discuss the IEP with your child's teacher
Meet the teacher
Give your child a self esteem boost- encourage
Set Goals
Set Rewards
Choose a sport for afterschool
School help- have child to do errands if they are ansy
Have child set up a signal with the teacher if they are feeling overwhelmed the child can signal
Have meds ready for school
Saturday, August 07, 2010
I am just a parent not a professional
I just want to reiterate the fact the items I place on here is what I have tried with my child and many of what I try works- it may need to be tweaked to your child's specific needs- It is very good information- but please seek professional help- behavioral specialist at your school- guidance counselors- therapists- psychologist- psychiatrist- seek out the support and if you you do not think your getting the right help be your child's adovocate- biggest cheerleader- but follow and try the techniques they offer to you- do not give up -keep going keep pressing in- you will make it- you can do it.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Series of Interventions- Interrupting escalation of anger
To interrupt the escalation of student anger, the parent can:
1. Divert the child's attention from the conflict. If the child is showing only low-level defiant or
non-compliant behavior, the parent may be able to redirect that child’s attention to a more positive topic. The parent may, for example, engage the child in reading a high-interest book or allow that child to play an educational computer game. (adapt as you will for home- remember these are geared towards school but same techniques work friend or acting defiantly toward adults, the parent may want to briefly remove the child from the room (antiseptic bounce) to prevent the child’s behavior from escalating into a full-fledged confrontation (Long, Morse, & Newman, 1980).
2. One strategy to remove the child is to send him or her to the ask for help or send to room for a moment, with the expectation that (by the time the child returns to the situation) he or she will have calmed down.
3. Allow the child a cool down break. Select a corner of the room (bedroom- bathroom works well with-adult supervision) where the child can take a brief respite break whenever he or she feels
angry or upset. Be sure to make cool-down breaks available to all children, to avoid singling out only those children with anger-control issues.
a. Whenever a student becomes upset and defiant, the parent offers to talk the situation over
with that child once he or she has calmed down and then directs the child to the cool down
corner. (E.g., “Angelo, I want to talk with you about what is upsetting you, but first you
need to calm down. Take five minutes in the bedroom or bathroom and then come over to me and we can talk)
Adapted from Pasco County Schools
1. Divert the child's attention from the conflict. If the child is showing only low-level defiant or
non-compliant behavior, the parent may be able to redirect that child’s attention to a more positive topic. The parent may, for example, engage the child in reading a high-interest book or allow that child to play an educational computer game. (adapt as you will for home- remember these are geared towards school but same techniques work friend or acting defiantly toward adults, the parent may want to briefly remove the child from the room (antiseptic bounce) to prevent the child’s behavior from escalating into a full-fledged confrontation (Long, Morse, & Newman, 1980).
2. One strategy to remove the child is to send him or her to the ask for help or send to room for a moment, with the expectation that (by the time the child returns to the situation) he or she will have calmed down.
3. Allow the child a cool down break. Select a corner of the room (bedroom- bathroom works well with-adult supervision) where the child can take a brief respite break whenever he or she feels
angry or upset. Be sure to make cool-down breaks available to all children, to avoid singling out only those children with anger-control issues.
a. Whenever a student becomes upset and defiant, the parent offers to talk the situation over
with that child once he or she has calmed down and then directs the child to the cool down
corner. (E.g., “Angelo, I want to talk with you about what is upsetting you, but first you
need to calm down. Take five minutes in the bedroom or bathroom and then come over to me and we can talk)
Adapted from Pasco County Schools
Monday, August 02, 2010
Series of Interventions-Building Compliance and Reinforcement Schedules
Building compliance
• The easiest and quickest way to build compliance is to increase compliance for all activities in all settings: i.e., providing a rich positively reinforcing setting/schedule that rewards the child for as many compliant acts as possible. Start with a one-to-one reward ratio.
• To build behavioral momentum quickly, offer the child very simple (if not preferred tasks) and then reward the child for compliance. Be very specific (e.g., It was so nice of you to help me set the table, here is a ____ to show my appreciation.)
• Tangible rewards can be any small – preferred item. Food is very powerful (skittles, goldfish, pretzels,etc.) and should be used in very small increments (1-3 pieces, etc.)
• To date, peer reviewed journals and studies have not found sugar to aggravate or alter ADHD
children’s behavior. If concern regarding using candy reinforcers remains, use very small increments (1-3 skittles, M&M’s, etc.)
• Try to tie tangible rewards to social graces (please and thank you). That helps move the child from external (I act to get candy) to internal (I act because it feels good to help others).
• The child will require constant feedback, attention, and rewards in the early stages. Once the
child's behavior improves, you can stretch the amount of time between feedback, rewards, and
attention.
• Even though this will require a lot of effort up front, it is preferable to spending the majority of your day "cleaning up."
Reinforcement Schedules
• To begin, some noncompliant children may need to be reinforced (small edible such as one skittle,goldfish, or pretzel) for every act of compliance (using manners at the table, cleaning up when done playing, remaining on-task or in-seat.)
o This type of reinforcement should always be paired with specific verbal praise.
• A next step could be using a “working for” board (which contains a picture of desired reinforcer and slots for a marker (star, colored dot, etc.) children are required to earn X number of markers to obtain the reinforcer.
• OR drop a plastic bear (or any other tangible - counting manipulative, etc.) into a jar for each act of compliance. You could require the child to earn ten bears to receive a reinforcer.
• Other children may need to be able to earn some type of reinforcement several times during the day such as at the end of each period or subject.
• Other children may be able to work well if they are rewarded for good choices once (end-of-day) or twice daily (before lunch and end-of-day.)
• Still others may only need some type of weekly recognition or reward such as a "Fun Friday" or "Fun Sunday"type of incentive.
• The easiest and quickest way to build compliance is to increase compliance for all activities in all settings: i.e., providing a rich positively reinforcing setting/schedule that rewards the child for as many compliant acts as possible. Start with a one-to-one reward ratio.
• To build behavioral momentum quickly, offer the child very simple (if not preferred tasks) and then reward the child for compliance. Be very specific (e.g., It was so nice of you to help me set the table, here is a ____ to show my appreciation.)
• Tangible rewards can be any small – preferred item. Food is very powerful (skittles, goldfish, pretzels,etc.) and should be used in very small increments (1-3 pieces, etc.)
• To date, peer reviewed journals and studies have not found sugar to aggravate or alter ADHD
children’s behavior. If concern regarding using candy reinforcers remains, use very small increments (1-3 skittles, M&M’s, etc.)
• Try to tie tangible rewards to social graces (please and thank you). That helps move the child from external (I act to get candy) to internal (I act because it feels good to help others).
• The child will require constant feedback, attention, and rewards in the early stages. Once the
child's behavior improves, you can stretch the amount of time between feedback, rewards, and
attention.
• Even though this will require a lot of effort up front, it is preferable to spending the majority of your day "cleaning up."
Reinforcement Schedules
• To begin, some noncompliant children may need to be reinforced (small edible such as one skittle,goldfish, or pretzel) for every act of compliance (using manners at the table, cleaning up when done playing, remaining on-task or in-seat.)
o This type of reinforcement should always be paired with specific verbal praise.
• A next step could be using a “working for” board (which contains a picture of desired reinforcer and slots for a marker (star, colored dot, etc.) children are required to earn X number of markers to obtain the reinforcer.
• OR drop a plastic bear (or any other tangible - counting manipulative, etc.) into a jar for each act of compliance. You could require the child to earn ten bears to receive a reinforcer.
• Other children may need to be able to earn some type of reinforcement several times during the day such as at the end of each period or subject.
• Other children may be able to work well if they are rewarded for good choices once (end-of-day) or twice daily (before lunch and end-of-day.)
• Still others may only need some type of weekly recognition or reward such as a "Fun Friday" or "Fun Sunday"type of incentive.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Series of Interventions- Does not Follow Directions
Problem Behaviors:
• Child may have trouble following multi-step directions
• Child may be off task
• Child may often rush through assignments
Suggestions:
• Provide clearly stated directions (oral and written if necessary) and keep them as simple and concrete as possible
o Make sure that written directions are printed clearly and large enough to read
• Stand next to the child when giving directions
• Speak to the child to make sure he / she understands the directions
o Ask them to repeat the directions back to you
• Create a risk free environment where the child feels free to ask for clarification of directions
o Many children would rather do an assignment incorrectly that risk asking the teacher/parent for help
• Teach the child how to question any directions that he / she does not understand
o Role-play if necessary
• Reinforce the child for following directions
o Try to move from the tangible reinforcer to intangible as quickly as possible
• Break directions up into smaller parts if necessary and monitor the child frequently
o Have the child do one step at a time while you monitor to make sure that he / she
understands when doing a written assignment
• Assign a peer to work with the student to help him/her follow directions
• Have the child practice following directions on nonacademic tasks- Games, errands, etc.
• Give the child a predetermined signal before giving directions so that he / she will be ready for them- Handclap, hand raise, etc.
• Require that any assignment done incorrectly because directions were not followed, be redone
o It is important to be consistent with this
• Follow a less desirable task with a highly desirable task so that the student will want to do the first
task correctly to get to the second one
• Make sure that the child has all of the materials necessary to complete the activity or task
o However, make sure that the directions are given before the materials are handed out so as not to distract the student
• Maintain consistency in the format of directions
• Tape record directions for student if necessary
• Create direction-following activities that are fun as well as helpful
• Make sure the child can achieve success when following directions
I have used many of what has been written here- and it does work just be consistent
Adapted from Pasco county schools
• Child may have trouble following multi-step directions
• Child may be off task
• Child may often rush through assignments
Suggestions:
• Provide clearly stated directions (oral and written if necessary) and keep them as simple and concrete as possible
o Make sure that written directions are printed clearly and large enough to read
• Stand next to the child when giving directions
• Speak to the child to make sure he / she understands the directions
o Ask them to repeat the directions back to you
• Create a risk free environment where the child feels free to ask for clarification of directions
o Many children would rather do an assignment incorrectly that risk asking the teacher/parent for help
• Teach the child how to question any directions that he / she does not understand
o Role-play if necessary
• Reinforce the child for following directions
o Try to move from the tangible reinforcer to intangible as quickly as possible
• Break directions up into smaller parts if necessary and monitor the child frequently
o Have the child do one step at a time while you monitor to make sure that he / she
understands when doing a written assignment
• Assign a peer to work with the student to help him/her follow directions
• Have the child practice following directions on nonacademic tasks- Games, errands, etc.
• Give the child a predetermined signal before giving directions so that he / she will be ready for them- Handclap, hand raise, etc.
• Require that any assignment done incorrectly because directions were not followed, be redone
o It is important to be consistent with this
• Follow a less desirable task with a highly desirable task so that the student will want to do the first
task correctly to get to the second one
• Make sure that the child has all of the materials necessary to complete the activity or task
o However, make sure that the directions are given before the materials are handed out so as not to distract the student
• Maintain consistency in the format of directions
• Tape record directions for student if necessary
• Create direction-following activities that are fun as well as helpful
• Make sure the child can achieve success when following directions
I have used many of what has been written here- and it does work just be consistent
Adapted from Pasco county schools
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Series of Interventions-Becomes upset with Constructive Criticism
Problem Behaviors:
• Child often reacts with anger or indifference when correction is given
• Child will often make excuses for poorly completed work or mistakes
Suggestions:
• Reinforce the child for responding in an appropriate manner to constructive criticism and to
redirection within a given period of time.
• Speak with the child to explain the importance of receiving constructive criticism. Explain that it is meant to be helpful, not threatening.
• Demonstrate and teach ways to respond to constructive criticism.
• Provide the child with clearly stated criteria for acceptable work. Determine the reason for the errors made by the child. Teach the child how to question anything he / she does not understand. Encourage the child to check and correct his / her own work.
• Structure the environment so that the parent is the only one providing the constructive criticism.
• Select the appropriate time to provide the constructive criticism. Choose a time when the child more likely to accept it. Assess the criticism to be sure it is constructive and positive and always do it in private.
• Provide enough time for the child to respond to the constructive criticism.
• Make certain that you offer the child help at the same time you give the constructive criticism. (i.e.help the child correct one or two items to get them started.)
*adapted from pasco county schools
• Child often reacts with anger or indifference when correction is given
• Child will often make excuses for poorly completed work or mistakes
Suggestions:
• Reinforce the child for responding in an appropriate manner to constructive criticism and to
redirection within a given period of time.
• Speak with the child to explain the importance of receiving constructive criticism. Explain that it is meant to be helpful, not threatening.
• Demonstrate and teach ways to respond to constructive criticism.
• Provide the child with clearly stated criteria for acceptable work. Determine the reason for the errors made by the child. Teach the child how to question anything he / she does not understand. Encourage the child to check and correct his / her own work.
• Structure the environment so that the parent is the only one providing the constructive criticism.
• Select the appropriate time to provide the constructive criticism. Choose a time when the child more likely to accept it. Assess the criticism to be sure it is constructive and positive and always do it in private.
• Provide enough time for the child to respond to the constructive criticism.
• Make certain that you offer the child help at the same time you give the constructive criticism. (i.e.help the child correct one or two items to get them started.)
*adapted from pasco county schools
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Series of Interventions- Cheats, Lies, or Distorts the Truth
Problem Behaviors:
• Child will often make inaccurate statements or withhold the whole truth
• Child may make up stories or excuses or blame others
Suggestions:
• Speak with the child to explain the importance of telling the truth and reinforce the child for
making accurate statements
• Avoid placing the child in situations where they have the opportunity to lie or distort the truth
• When the child is successful at an academic or social activity, provide them with positive
feedback
• Reduce competitive situations where children might be forced to make inaccurate statements or cheat
• Evaluate the level of difficulty in relation to the child's ability to perform the task
• Make sure the child knows that he / she can ask questions when taking tests or doing activities
• Provide the child with opportunities to share truthful information
• Avoid making accusations that might prompt the child to lie
• Remove punishment for accidental behavior or for telling the truth
o Punishment in these situations often prompts the child to lie or not tell the complete truth
• Help the child to learn that telling the truth as soon as possible prevents future problems for the child
• Don’t buy into the child’s excuses, stories, or lies
• Allow natural consequences to occur when child cheats, lies, denies, or exaggerates the truth
Adapted from Pasco County Schools for home use
• Child will often make inaccurate statements or withhold the whole truth
• Child may make up stories or excuses or blame others
Suggestions:
• Speak with the child to explain the importance of telling the truth and reinforce the child for
making accurate statements
• Avoid placing the child in situations where they have the opportunity to lie or distort the truth
• When the child is successful at an academic or social activity, provide them with positive
feedback
• Reduce competitive situations where children might be forced to make inaccurate statements or cheat
• Evaluate the level of difficulty in relation to the child's ability to perform the task
• Make sure the child knows that he / she can ask questions when taking tests or doing activities
• Provide the child with opportunities to share truthful information
• Avoid making accusations that might prompt the child to lie
• Remove punishment for accidental behavior or for telling the truth
o Punishment in these situations often prompts the child to lie or not tell the complete truth
• Help the child to learn that telling the truth as soon as possible prevents future problems for the child
• Don’t buy into the child’s excuses, stories, or lies
• Allow natural consequences to occur when child cheats, lies, denies, or exaggerates the truth
Adapted from Pasco County Schools for home use
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Series of Interventions- Agitates and Provokes Others
Agitates and Provokes Others
Problem Behaviors:
• Child is often off task- not focused
• Child often tries to distract others
• Child often has trouble communicating his / her needs in an appropriate manner
Suggestions:
• Reinforce the child to communicate in an appropriate manner.
• Speak to the child and explain what is expected of him / her.
• Teach the child appropriate ways to interact with others. (i.e. verbally, body language, etc…)
• Acknowledge the child when he / she seeks attention in a positive verbal way instead of trying to gain attention through physical contact.
• Remove the child from the a group or activity until he / she can demonstrate appropriate behavior.
• Give your child your full attention when talking to him / her.
• Communicate with others involved in child's life regarding your child’s behavior. See if they will reinforce the child at other places for behaving appropriately.
• Reduce the number of situations that could contribute to the child's derogatory comments or
inappropriate gestures.
• Provide the child with a quiet place to work when needed.
• Requires the student to list alternative appropriate behaviors following an instance where he / she made derogatory comments.
• Emphasize individual success or progress instead of competition with others.
• Watch for signs that might signal when the child begins to provoke peers and intervene early.
Adapted from Intervention program from Pasco County Schools- I tweaked it for home version
Problem Behaviors:
• Child is often off task- not focused
• Child often tries to distract others
• Child often has trouble communicating his / her needs in an appropriate manner
Suggestions:
• Reinforce the child to communicate in an appropriate manner.
• Speak to the child and explain what is expected of him / her.
• Teach the child appropriate ways to interact with others. (i.e. verbally, body language, etc…)
• Acknowledge the child when he / she seeks attention in a positive verbal way instead of trying to gain attention through physical contact.
• Remove the child from the a group or activity until he / she can demonstrate appropriate behavior.
• Give your child your full attention when talking to him / her.
• Communicate with others involved in child's life regarding your child’s behavior. See if they will reinforce the child at other places for behaving appropriately.
• Reduce the number of situations that could contribute to the child's derogatory comments or
inappropriate gestures.
• Provide the child with a quiet place to work when needed.
• Requires the student to list alternative appropriate behaviors following an instance where he / she made derogatory comments.
• Emphasize individual success or progress instead of competition with others.
• Watch for signs that might signal when the child begins to provoke peers and intervene early.
Adapted from Intervention program from Pasco County Schools- I tweaked it for home version
Friday, July 09, 2010
Sorry
I plan on posting a series of information as soon as I return from vacation- this will starte Monday the 12th
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
New Series coming Soon
I will be bringing a new series on behavior interventions-this is with the help of my resident behavioral specialist and the information he has supplied me over the summer-
Stay tuned
Stay tuned
Friday, June 11, 2010
Be involved
I know I have written before about being involved with your child and their behavior therapy-
Make sure you are involved - you will learn so much- let me explain-
My son's behavioral specialist from school (public) is working with us over the summer- so we can be successful in the next year- I said we because it is not just up to my son it is also up to me-for him to be successful-
So get involved- do not give up- you can do this
Make sure you are involved - you will learn so much- let me explain-
My son's behavioral specialist from school (public) is working with us over the summer- so we can be successful in the next year- I said we because it is not just up to my son it is also up to me-for him to be successful-
So get involved- do not give up- you can do this
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Maybe it the time of year
This has been a very very off month for my son-do any of your children go through this- not being in control when they need to be and seem to not care until after the fact- well we are there right now- not sure if meds need adjusted or what- so we are hanging in there and so thankful for a great support group where we can turn- teachers - friend-therapist- family- knowing there is someone out there to help makes it all worth it - keep pressing in the end of the school year is here and I know my child seems out of control- and yet I know I am not alone
Monday, May 17, 2010
There are good days and bad days
Good days tend to be really good and oh those bad days are really bad- as you work with your child and you keep pressing in to help him or her those good days will begin to out number the bad ones. And when that happens you will not know what to do because the days of bad seemed like they would never end-
I encourage you to celebrate those good days with excitement they will come more often- tell everyone you know that is in your support ring- they will celebrate with you
and when the bad days come they will not seem so bad after all- share them with your support and you will get through it faster then you could ever imagine-
Good Days are sooooo good when they begin to out weigh the bad- if you have not seen it yet- hang on it will happen and sometimes you do not realize it
I encourage you to celebrate those good days with excitement they will come more often- tell everyone you know that is in your support ring- they will celebrate with you
and when the bad days come they will not seem so bad after all- share them with your support and you will get through it faster then you could ever imagine-
Good Days are sooooo good when they begin to out weigh the bad- if you have not seen it yet- hang on it will happen and sometimes you do not realize it
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
You make a difference
You make a difference in your child's life- at times we parents feel we do not regardless if they have emotional issues or just you average child. You do make a difference- keep pressing in keep doing what you know what to do-
Seek help when you need to either for yourself or your child-
I just realized that as I write this to help you all it is helping me as well.
You are amazing parents- You have amazing children-
Seek help when you need to either for yourself or your child-
I just realized that as I write this to help you all it is helping me as well.
You are amazing parents- You have amazing children-
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Hang in there you will have set backs
One thing I learn is we have set backs- we go forward then backwards with behavior- but hang in there set backs usually are brief (although we are going through a long oe right now) Keep looking at how far you have come- sometimes we need to be reminded of this-
Remember you are not alone in the setbacks-all of our kids go through them- how do you handle them? I recommend talking with someone - this helps me so much- it helps me get through the set back times and helps me realize these are just bumps in the road-
You will get through so HANG ON
Remember you are not alone in the setbacks-all of our kids go through them- how do you handle them? I recommend talking with someone - this helps me so much- it helps me get through the set back times and helps me realize these are just bumps in the road-
You will get through so HANG ON
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Anger- how to deal with it
My son deals often with this and it often comes out in violent form- oh yes I have been hit - even bruised- scratched- chairs thrown at me- and yet I still press on and keep going with working with him-so lets look by definition what anger is:
–noun
1.
a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
1.
a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
you see with my son- he was not taught how to deal with his anger in a proper manner when he was younger before I adopted him- so it is taken many many hours how to work through ager control- we have so far and still have far to go - let me go over some things that may work for you
- sometimes they do not know what causes the anger- this is something I had to learn and still am learning
-learn ways to deal with it- have the kids count to 10 and you do it as well- trust me when you count with them it will help with how you handle things in the future regardless of how they are handling things
- take deep cleansing breaths- it work it truly does- this helps them as well as you
- rip paper
- scribble paper
- write sentences- this refocuses them
- have them sit by themselves until they cool off
-hold them -hug them- let them know it is ok to be angry but how they handle it is important
- have them write why they are angry
these are some ways that have gotten us through some dark times- not all the time working- so you may have to do a variety of things to get through a tough time of dealing with anger-
Have them go to an anger management class for kids- AngermanagmentHelps try this link it may be of use to you
Friday, April 09, 2010
Find Something...
We found sports and not just any but track ad field-he loves to run so we put that energy into the sport and he does so much better when he is involved- I encourage you to find a sport- a group -anything your child may be interested in-computers- puzzles- bike riding- etc figure out what they like and go from there-
Once you find their niche encourage them to participate and also it is a privilege. Good behavior allows them to be a part of the privilege-bad choices a brief time away from privilege- last year my son was not acting the way he should and he was allowed to go to the track meet yet had to sit and watch- he was not happy but that was the last meet he missed from running-
make sure you let the coaches or instructors know about your child and what you deal with and how they can help- this was one of the greatest things I do and I let the coach know daily or weakly how my so is doing- he pulls him aside each time good or bad of what I tell him and talks with him- the extra person is great and reinforces what you are trying to teach your child
Encourage your child to find something they like- we did and we have an extra support group our track family- share your story people do care
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Be Firm
when you are disciplining be firm and strong in what you say- you do not need to raise your voice but it is all in tone- and how firmly you speak- do not back down you do not give in-
Be Firm- Be Strong - Be Consistent
Be Firm- Be Strong - Be Consistent
Monday, April 05, 2010
Consistency and Follow Through
With any child this is a very important - when you are consistent and you follow through on what you say- I am not an expert and do not claim to be I just know what works for my child who has behavioral and emotional needs-
When I am not consistent or do not follow through he thinks he can get away with things- so I have to be on my game no matter how tired I get- is it hard oh yes it is- but it works -
I have had professionals tell me - pastors - and other parents keep doing what you are doing it is working- I can't give up and neither can you
If you are consistent and follow through your kids will begin to change- is it over night NO WAY-we are 4 and half years after adoption and still working on this - both of us- and yet it is working I see the change
You see I am consistent and listen and do what others see work- consistency here is the main key- my thing to my son is who is going to win and he can now answer you mommy- so he gets his act together a whole lot sooner then before-
Set the rules and do them - set the consequences and do them- you may have to tweak as they get older as I do but this works- Your role is key - you set the rules and you need to do what you say is going to happen- does it get tiring as I said before oh my yes- but keep doing it- keep pressing on you can do it - I know you can
When I am not consistent or do not follow through he thinks he can get away with things- so I have to be on my game no matter how tired I get- is it hard oh yes it is- but it works -
I have had professionals tell me - pastors - and other parents keep doing what you are doing it is working- I can't give up and neither can you
If you are consistent and follow through your kids will begin to change- is it over night NO WAY-we are 4 and half years after adoption and still working on this - both of us- and yet it is working I see the change
You see I am consistent and listen and do what others see work- consistency here is the main key- my thing to my son is who is going to win and he can now answer you mommy- so he gets his act together a whole lot sooner then before-
Set the rules and do them - set the consequences and do them- you may have to tweak as they get older as I do but this works- Your role is key - you set the rules and you need to do what you say is going to happen- does it get tiring as I said before oh my yes- but keep doing it- keep pressing on you can do it - I know you can
Friday, April 02, 2010
I will be posting more this week
This week I am going to be posting more on behaviors and emotionals with kids- I may even do a series- just thngs i have learned so stay tuned- you are not alone
Friday, March 19, 2010
Impulse Control: Helping ADHD Students Manage Their Behaviors
This is an incomplete article from Additude magazine- please visit website - I have added my comments in the article as well with what I have experienced.
ADHD children often get in trouble for acting on their impulses. Find techniques for home and school that will help children with attention deficit disorder learn to rein in bad behaviors.
by ADDitude Editors
The problem: Children with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) are often labeled unruly or aggressive because of their impulsive physical and social interactions. Even though these children can be caring and sensitive, their good qualities are often overshadowed by their impulsivity. I know this is true for me as a parent- the aggressive and unruly behavior often overshadows the good behavior- as parents we need to make that conscious effort-of looking at the good more often-we often are overwhelmed though by the impulsive behaviors
The reason: Children with ADHD act before they think, often unable to control their initial response to a situation. The ability to "self-regulate" is compromised; they can't modify their behavior with future consequences in mind. Some studies show that differences in the brain in those who have ADHD are partly responsible for this symptom.
The obstacles: Many children with ADHD seem to spend their lives in time-out, grounded, or in trouble for what they say and do. The lack of impulse control is perhaps the most difficult symptom of ADHD to modify. It takes years of patience and persistence to successfully turn this around. patience is the key and I know for myself- I have learned a lot of patience and deal with being consistent- and honestly at times I do lose my patience and go off my consistency cause you get tired of dealing with it- my advice realize what you do and get back on track- take a break- have a friend or family member watch your child for a couple hours or just be with others for a while- both of these have helped me so much to get refocused on what I need to do to help my son.
Solutions at Home & School
-- Discipline can and should be used in certain situations. While ADHD is an explanation for bad behavior, it is never an excuse. ADHD may explain why Johnny hit Billy, but ADHD did not make him do it. Children with ADHD need to understand their responsibility to control themselves.
-- Discipline should be immediate, short, and swift. Delayed consequences, such as detention, don't work for those with difficulty anticipating future outcomes. Consequences must be instantaneous: If he pushes another child on the playground, recess is suspended for 10 minutes. At school make sure you are on board with what they are doing as far as consequences and referrals and such- there is no excuse for lack of self control- talk to your school teachers - have an open discussion- communicate with them daily if you have too- if my son is having an off day in the morning- I will contact them to let them know- if he has an off day during the day they call me and let me know- sometimes we talk every day for a week to make sure he gets back on track- you are their advocate stay involved with the teachers and learn to trust what they do- some of the best advise is from my son's teachers.
-- Provide positive feedback too. Be sure to also offer immediate, positive feedback and attention when ADHD kids behave well. Catch them doing something good. Specifically state what they are doing well, such as waiting their turn. yes yes yes- the smile they give you when they have make good choices and you acknowledge them- makes me smile inside
Solutions at Home
Children with ADHD have difficulty telling right and wrong, so parents must be specific, stating clear, consistent expectations and consequences. Telling your child to "be good" is too vague. Instead, be explicit: "When we go into the store, do not touch, just look with your eyes." "At the playground, wait in line for the slide, and don't push." Other strategies to try:
-- Be proactive in your approach to discipline. Respond to positive and negative behaviors equally. Recognize and remark on the behavior, then respond to positive actions with praise, attention, and rewards or immediately discipline negative actions. this is something I have to consciously work on- because I know I over react to the negative behaviors- this is where help from his therapist-teachers- behavior specialist and our pastors have helped so much.
-- Hold your child accountable. Making your child understand what he did wrong is essential in molding a responsible adult. However, delayed punishment may prevent a child from understanding its relationship to the misbehavior. Punishment must come soon after the misbehavior. hold them accountable - make sure you let them know you do not like the behavior and you still love them- I do not like what my son does and yet I still love him because he has so much special qualities about him
-- Let the punishment fit the crime. Hitting calls for an immediate time out. Dinnertime tantrums can mean dismissal from the table without dessert. Keep punishments brief and restrained, but let them communicate to your child that he's responsible for controlling his behavior. good - I will work on this one-
-- Let minor misbehavior slide. If your child spills the milk because he's pouring it carelessly or hurriedly, talk to him about the importance of moving more slowly, help him clean the mess, and move on. Every misstep doesn't warrant significant consequences. I am still learning to let the small issues slide and just correct him and help him understand the importance of making a better choice the next time something occurs-I do role playing with my son- he can then help visualize- For example- "Fred" how would you feel if "Leny" hit you- and wait for his response - usually sad or mad comes up-then I would reply well when you did that to Leny- it made him sad and mad and it hurt him. think before you react to hit him- so you do not make him sad or mad
As a parent make that extra effort to find the good- I know I know at times it is so difficult and when you are at your wits end it is time to take a break- allow someone to help you- I know for me this is such a benefit cause I can refocus and renew myself
ADHD children often get in trouble for acting on their impulses. Find techniques for home and school that will help children with attention deficit disorder learn to rein in bad behaviors.
by ADDitude Editors
The problem: Children with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) are often labeled unruly or aggressive because of their impulsive physical and social interactions. Even though these children can be caring and sensitive, their good qualities are often overshadowed by their impulsivity. I know this is true for me as a parent- the aggressive and unruly behavior often overshadows the good behavior- as parents we need to make that conscious effort-of looking at the good more often-we often are overwhelmed though by the impulsive behaviors
The reason: Children with ADHD act before they think, often unable to control their initial response to a situation. The ability to "self-regulate" is compromised; they can't modify their behavior with future consequences in mind. Some studies show that differences in the brain in those who have ADHD are partly responsible for this symptom.
The obstacles: Many children with ADHD seem to spend their lives in time-out, grounded, or in trouble for what they say and do. The lack of impulse control is perhaps the most difficult symptom of ADHD to modify. It takes years of patience and persistence to successfully turn this around. patience is the key and I know for myself- I have learned a lot of patience and deal with being consistent- and honestly at times I do lose my patience and go off my consistency cause you get tired of dealing with it- my advice realize what you do and get back on track- take a break- have a friend or family member watch your child for a couple hours or just be with others for a while- both of these have helped me so much to get refocused on what I need to do to help my son.
Solutions at Home & School
-- Discipline can and should be used in certain situations. While ADHD is an explanation for bad behavior, it is never an excuse. ADHD may explain why Johnny hit Billy, but ADHD did not make him do it. Children with ADHD need to understand their responsibility to control themselves.
-- Discipline should be immediate, short, and swift. Delayed consequences, such as detention, don't work for those with difficulty anticipating future outcomes. Consequences must be instantaneous: If he pushes another child on the playground, recess is suspended for 10 minutes. At school make sure you are on board with what they are doing as far as consequences and referrals and such- there is no excuse for lack of self control- talk to your school teachers - have an open discussion- communicate with them daily if you have too- if my son is having an off day in the morning- I will contact them to let them know- if he has an off day during the day they call me and let me know- sometimes we talk every day for a week to make sure he gets back on track- you are their advocate stay involved with the teachers and learn to trust what they do- some of the best advise is from my son's teachers.
-- Provide positive feedback too. Be sure to also offer immediate, positive feedback and attention when ADHD kids behave well. Catch them doing something good. Specifically state what they are doing well, such as waiting their turn. yes yes yes- the smile they give you when they have make good choices and you acknowledge them- makes me smile inside
Solutions at Home
Children with ADHD have difficulty telling right and wrong, so parents must be specific, stating clear, consistent expectations and consequences. Telling your child to "be good" is too vague. Instead, be explicit: "When we go into the store, do not touch, just look with your eyes." "At the playground, wait in line for the slide, and don't push." Other strategies to try:
-- Be proactive in your approach to discipline. Respond to positive and negative behaviors equally. Recognize and remark on the behavior, then respond to positive actions with praise, attention, and rewards or immediately discipline negative actions. this is something I have to consciously work on- because I know I over react to the negative behaviors- this is where help from his therapist-teachers- behavior specialist and our pastors have helped so much.
-- Hold your child accountable. Making your child understand what he did wrong is essential in molding a responsible adult. However, delayed punishment may prevent a child from understanding its relationship to the misbehavior. Punishment must come soon after the misbehavior. hold them accountable - make sure you let them know you do not like the behavior and you still love them- I do not like what my son does and yet I still love him because he has so much special qualities about him
-- Let the punishment fit the crime. Hitting calls for an immediate time out. Dinnertime tantrums can mean dismissal from the table without dessert. Keep punishments brief and restrained, but let them communicate to your child that he's responsible for controlling his behavior. good - I will work on this one-
-- Let minor misbehavior slide. If your child spills the milk because he's pouring it carelessly or hurriedly, talk to him about the importance of moving more slowly, help him clean the mess, and move on. Every misstep doesn't warrant significant consequences. I am still learning to let the small issues slide and just correct him and help him understand the importance of making a better choice the next time something occurs-I do role playing with my son- he can then help visualize- For example- "Fred" how would you feel if "Leny" hit you- and wait for his response - usually sad or mad comes up-then I would reply well when you did that to Leny- it made him sad and mad and it hurt him. think before you react to hit him- so you do not make him sad or mad
As a parent make that extra effort to find the good- I know I know at times it is so difficult and when you are at your wits end it is time to take a break- allow someone to help you- I know for me this is such a benefit cause I can refocus and renew myself
Monday, March 15, 2010
What information
What information are you looking for here- Can I help you in anyway- No matter where you live I want to be able to help meet your needs to the best of my ability- to find the resources for you when you do not know what else to do or who else to turn to- go to the message boards and write what you are feeling- you are probably not the only one feeling this way
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Get Help
You know there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help for your child- I am so glad when I decided to do it- It was the best thing I could have ever done for my son and for my self- I received a wealth of information that not only helped him but helped me become a better parent in dealing with his emotions and behaviors.
If you are not receiving help and you feel you need it- then do it - their behaviors and emotional needs has no reflection on you as a parent- ok well yes it does - when you go seek help it shows you love them and care and want what is best for them.
Also- if you are feeling like the help you have now is not helping, seek out different help-
If you are not receiving help and you feel you need it- then do it - their behaviors and emotional needs has no reflection on you as a parent- ok well yes it does - when you go seek help it shows you love them and care and want what is best for them.
Also- if you are feeling like the help you have now is not helping, seek out different help-
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Enjoy the Good Times
We as parents who deal on a daily basis of emotional and behavioral issues need to remind ourselves to celebrate the achievement and the good days
I know we can get caught up in all the emotions and tiredness on a daily basis-
I have I know and it wears you thin
So take those days and some days are few and far between that are exceptionally good days and celebrate them - celebrate with your child the 90/100 day for the first time ever celebrate that they did the work they were asked to do with no issues - that means whatever you are doing success is happening
You can make it and the more you celebrate the more you will realize it
I know we can get caught up in all the emotions and tiredness on a daily basis-
I have I know and it wears you thin
So take those days and some days are few and far between that are exceptionally good days and celebrate them - celebrate with your child the 90/100 day for the first time ever celebrate that they did the work they were asked to do with no issues - that means whatever you are doing success is happening
You can make it and the more you celebrate the more you will realize it
Saturday, February 20, 2010
This is a great Magazine
I get this magazine in my email in box several times a month- it is great and has so many insightful helps- I know it is geared towards ADHD and yet it is so helpful for other emotional and behavioral issues that may arise-
Enjoy reading and get those helps in place Additude
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Show them love
I know at times it may be difficult to show love and caring to the children we have in our lives- in fact sometimes you do not know how to show them love cause they often refuse it-
They need our love they need our comfort they need to know you are there no matter what-
Be consistent with showing them how much you care how much you love-
Before you leave for the day love on them -hug them and tell them you love them- do this every morning and every evening-
No matter how difficult the day was tell them you love them before they go to sleep give them those all important hugs even when you do not feel like it- it will affect them it will change them
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Communication
For a child to be successful communication is key- between teachers, therapist and each other if you are married-
(Build Bridges not Walls)
I have a great relationship with my son's teachers, therapist, and behavior specialist- I am either emailing - calling- or talking in person with one or all 3 of them at one time or another through the week. If you are not talking with them they can not help you- and believe it or not they want your child to be successful in whatever they do- they believe in your child.
I am truly blessed by the educators and therapists in my son's life- I am forever asking them for help and working with them to help him be successful.
Have a good relationship with them- they will go above and beyond what you expect them to do.
Communicate anything regarding your child's behavior good or bad to those in their life will be life saving- and talk about having a support group - my goodness.
(Build Bridges not Walls)So get involved and stay involved no matter how hard it is-really they are there to help you -stand up for your child and work with those involved in their life.
This will not only impact your child's life but you as a parent will be impacted.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Behavior Management-
Behavior Management - pieced together from other sources from Shannon Krukonis- Behavioral Specialist R Club
1. How our behavior affects children’s behavior
a. Tone of voice – children will mimic with each other how adults talk to them.
b. Power struggles – children will react to what you do rather than what you say
c. Communication – cross communicating can lead to confusion and frustration.
2. How to deal with behavioral issues
a. Communication – Allow for both sides of stories. Use various forms of communication (pictures, body language, etc.). Talk to other staff for opinion and/or assistance.
b. Environmental changes – Changing groups, areas of play, activities, etc.
c. Consequences vs. punishment – Establish rules, follow through on consequences. Provide natural/logical consequences for actions. Should be related, resonable, responsible, and respectful.
d. Control and respect vs. disrespect – Maintain self-control. Empower child through limited choices.
e. Behavior write-ups – Using them as threats weakens the value. Do the write-up when redirection does not work and then explain why to the child the write-up was done.
1. How our behavior affects children’s behavior
a. Tone of voice – children will mimic with each other how adults talk to them.
b. Power struggles – children will react to what you do rather than what you say
c. Communication – cross communicating can lead to confusion and frustration.
2. How to deal with behavioral issues
a. Communication – Allow for both sides of stories. Use various forms of communication (pictures, body language, etc.). Talk to other staff for opinion and/or assistance.
b. Environmental changes – Changing groups, areas of play, activities, etc.
c. Consequences vs. punishment – Establish rules, follow through on consequences. Provide natural/logical consequences for actions. Should be related, resonable, responsible, and respectful.
d. Control and respect vs. disrespect – Maintain self-control. Empower child through limited choices.
e. Behavior write-ups – Using them as threats weakens the value. Do the write-up when redirection does not work and then explain why to the child the write-up was done.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Welcome
Parents - have you ever felt like you were alone- and no one knows what you are going through? All parents at one time feel this way I am sure- As a parent with a child with behavioral or emotional issues I have felt that way more often then not. You do not know where you are going to turn and you do not know if you will make it through the difficult times-
Well- you have found a place where you are not alone- where you can ask questions on the message board-where I will help you find the resources you need.
I hope you find comfort in knowing you do not have to go through these issues with your child alone- I am here- ready to listen ready to walk you through your need.
Well- you have found a place where you are not alone- where you can ask questions on the message board-where I will help you find the resources you need.
I hope you find comfort in knowing you do not have to go through these issues with your child alone- I am here- ready to listen ready to walk you through your need.
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