Extra help is now available in Land O Lakes Florida- I had no idea there is now a crisis unit in Land O Lakes - right on 54. It has been a valuable source this past week.
Recoverycenter is the place to be when you are in need of some mental health issue. they will help with emotional and behavioral needs
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Dealing with trust and control- adoptive parents
The sensitive parent is attuned to his or her child's natural rhythms and responds to those appropriately and timely.
by Debi A. Grebenik, Ph.D.
One family had a 12-year-old son they adopted at age six. He was adopted previously at age three when the rights of his birthparents were terminated; but unfortunately, the adoption dissolved and he lived in a residential treatment center until he was adopted by his new family. Obviously, this young boy had experienced multiple traumas in his brief life.
As a result, he exhibited significant behavioral issues. Most notably, he acted as though he were a 2- or 3-year-old. He was not able to interact socially with children his own age. In addition, he could not identify or express feelings and his cognitive delays were evident. Even his motor skills were compromised.
To their credit, the parents did not focus on some of his challenging behaviors. Instead, they provided him with unconditional love and acceptance, much like God does for us every day. Part of what these parents did was rock and cuddle with this boy to provide him with some of the connections he missed as a baby. They also told him how sad they were that they did not get to take care of him as a baby, protect him, and nurture him. They created new bonds with him as they talked constantly about how special he was to them — and they saw enormous progress in his behaviors.
The sensitive parent is attuned to his or her child's natural rhythms and responds to those appropriately and timely.1 This attunement, which is primarily nonverbal communication, is paramount to secure attachment. A parent's ability to be attuned is contingent on his or her own experiences of trust, attachment and bonding. When children have parents who respond sensitively to their signals and provide comforting bodily contact, the children can then respond readily and appropriately to the distress of others, thus demonstrating the ability to empathize.2 As a result, positive patterns of interaction are deposited in the brain's limbic system, providing a repertoire of experiences for the child to build upon. The child begins to trust and relate to his parents emotionally. This is where the healing begins.
Each child needs to make a connection with a significant adult with whom he or she can feel safe and process his or her hurts, fears, and hopes.
The three A's of attachment
Let's take a look at the three A's of Attachment as offered by Dr. B. Bryan Post:
•Attention: spending time, talking, singing, interacting
•Affection: holding, rocking, kissing, carrying
•Attunement: feeding, making eye contact, soothing, attentiveness3
Take a moment, read those, take a deep breath, and read them again. Certainly, you are providing most, if not all, of these key components. But if there is a lack in any of these areas, become proactive in emphasizing this in your relationship with your child. For most of us, this process comes naturally; for some, however, this process is difficult.
While it would be easy to be judgmental toward parents unable to provide this secure base, we must remember that some parents enter into the parenting chapter of their lives without the experience of having been adequately parented themselves.
They bring their crippling pasts to the parenting role. Some come with histories of physical abuse, sexual exploitation, extreme neglect, domestic violence, drug exposure, economic deprivation, medical trauma or parental absence. Due to the significance of these backgrounds, some will be crippled in their ability to respond sensitively to their child's needs. They may not understand the potential harm that their actions or inactions may have on a child in their care.
Attachment disorder can be transmitted intergenerationally. Children lacking secure attachments with caregivers commonly grow up to be parents who are incapable of establishing this crucial foundation with their own children. Instead of acknowledging, understanding, and following the instinct to protect, nurture, and love their children, they abuse, neglect, and abandon. But with self-awareness and help, parents can and do break these cycles. It is vital that we work together to break such cycles.
Taken from Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., © 2008 by Sanford Communications, Inc. All rights reserved
by Debi A. Grebenik, Ph.D.
One family had a 12-year-old son they adopted at age six. He was adopted previously at age three when the rights of his birthparents were terminated; but unfortunately, the adoption dissolved and he lived in a residential treatment center until he was adopted by his new family. Obviously, this young boy had experienced multiple traumas in his brief life.
As a result, he exhibited significant behavioral issues. Most notably, he acted as though he were a 2- or 3-year-old. He was not able to interact socially with children his own age. In addition, he could not identify or express feelings and his cognitive delays were evident. Even his motor skills were compromised.
To their credit, the parents did not focus on some of his challenging behaviors. Instead, they provided him with unconditional love and acceptance, much like God does for us every day. Part of what these parents did was rock and cuddle with this boy to provide him with some of the connections he missed as a baby. They also told him how sad they were that they did not get to take care of him as a baby, protect him, and nurture him. They created new bonds with him as they talked constantly about how special he was to them — and they saw enormous progress in his behaviors.
The sensitive parent is attuned to his or her child's natural rhythms and responds to those appropriately and timely.1 This attunement, which is primarily nonverbal communication, is paramount to secure attachment. A parent's ability to be attuned is contingent on his or her own experiences of trust, attachment and bonding. When children have parents who respond sensitively to their signals and provide comforting bodily contact, the children can then respond readily and appropriately to the distress of others, thus demonstrating the ability to empathize.2 As a result, positive patterns of interaction are deposited in the brain's limbic system, providing a repertoire of experiences for the child to build upon. The child begins to trust and relate to his parents emotionally. This is where the healing begins.
Each child needs to make a connection with a significant adult with whom he or she can feel safe and process his or her hurts, fears, and hopes.
The three A's of attachment
Let's take a look at the three A's of Attachment as offered by Dr. B. Bryan Post:
•Attention: spending time, talking, singing, interacting
•Affection: holding, rocking, kissing, carrying
•Attunement: feeding, making eye contact, soothing, attentiveness3
Take a moment, read those, take a deep breath, and read them again. Certainly, you are providing most, if not all, of these key components. But if there is a lack in any of these areas, become proactive in emphasizing this in your relationship with your child. For most of us, this process comes naturally; for some, however, this process is difficult.
While it would be easy to be judgmental toward parents unable to provide this secure base, we must remember that some parents enter into the parenting chapter of their lives without the experience of having been adequately parented themselves.
They bring their crippling pasts to the parenting role. Some come with histories of physical abuse, sexual exploitation, extreme neglect, domestic violence, drug exposure, economic deprivation, medical trauma or parental absence. Due to the significance of these backgrounds, some will be crippled in their ability to respond sensitively to their child's needs. They may not understand the potential harm that their actions or inactions may have on a child in their care.
Attachment disorder can be transmitted intergenerationally. Children lacking secure attachments with caregivers commonly grow up to be parents who are incapable of establishing this crucial foundation with their own children. Instead of acknowledging, understanding, and following the instinct to protect, nurture, and love their children, they abuse, neglect, and abandon. But with self-awareness and help, parents can and do break these cycles. It is vital that we work together to break such cycles.
Taken from Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., © 2008 by Sanford Communications, Inc. All rights reserved
Monday, October 11, 2010
Feeling Isolated
Feeling Isolated
When friends and family are distant during the greatest time of need
by Cindi Ferrini
Feeling Isolated - Focus on the Family
Our son Joey was almost 3, our daughter Kristina was a newborn, and my post-partum hormones were out of kilter. My husband, Joe, and I had just learned the extent of Joey's diagnosis and were feeling alone; I remember spending the better part of two weeks crying. I was saddened that he might never walk, talk, or be able to learn and longed for someone to listen, give hope and not give the "pat" answer that was easy to say but hard to hear.
Caring for our special needs son required a lot of time and effort, and I had to deal with Joey's illnesses, allergies (requiring hospital visits), seizures (that we didn't yet recognize as such), multiple therapies, trips downtown, never-ending questions and life with a toddler who couldn't walk or make his needs known.
Lonely beginnings
Much of the time my husband and I felt alone. We were physically worn out, emotionally isolated and spiritually depleted. We had great help from Joey's grandparents, who loved him deeply and accepted him fully, but in other circles we often felt people didn't know what to do or say. Occasionally, people asked, "How's Joey?" but they seldom, if ever, asked what life was like for him or us.
We were rarely asked to others' homes. Joey was never asked to come to someone's home to play. He didn't fit in with others his age, and we sensed that kept us from being included in some social gatherings. We wondered whether others thought they'd have to "get involved" if they got too close to us. In fact, we remember only one time we were all invited to someone's house for visiting and dinner. We were so excited!
Behavioral challenges
Joey could not tolerate noise and commotion. Very sensitive to sudden noises and movement, he would start screaming, hanging all over us and generally making going out not worth our effort, much less worth someone else's effort to invite us! We didn't blame others, and no one ever said we were excluded; but for whatever reason, we often felt left out. Joey's needs diminished our desire to go into those social settings, and when we did, we were often embarrassed about the way he acted, thinking others would consider us bad parents, unable to control our child. He couldn't help the behavior caused by brain malfunction, but we had difficulty separating his behavior from how we felt about it.
When Joey was young, we lacked the freedom to do some of the things our friends and their families did. Now that he is an adult, we still cannot simply pick up with our "empty nester" friends for dinner together or accept other impromptu invitations. We've never been able to go out unless we had someone we trusted to come and care for Joey. His care is different from what our girls ever needed. Sometimes we felt trapped. We didn't feel the freedom to talk about it either because we didn't want to hurt others' feelings. We didn't want others to feel obligated to invite us over or to include us, knowing we would likely have Joey with us.
Developing relationships
If we could change one thing about how we handled the challenges with our son and our parents, we would have been more vocal. We would have expressed to others exactly what was happening to our loved ones and to us as we cared for them. As our friends had grandchildren with special needs and cared for their aging parents, we discovered that they were shocked to know we had gone through the same things they were going through. Some friends were good listeners, but in looking back, we can see that we tried not to overdo it and perhaps "underdid" it.
Others will not understand what we are going through unless we tell them. Even close friends are shocked that we still shower and shave Joey as a grown man, that he can't stay home alone, that he continues to have severe behavioral issues from time to time and that we still experience times of great frustration in trying to deal with him in a positive and Christ-honoring way. As a result, we realize we should express ourselves more clearly and thoroughly, and probably should reach out to ask for help and even continue to do so. And when others offer to help, we need to be honest and practical in allowing them the privilege.
Here are some of the ways we have reached out to develop relationships:
•Invited teachers to our home for dinner to get to know them
•Chaperoned field trips when additional help was needed
•Answered calls and notes promptly so people knew we were caring individuals
•Wrote notes of encouragement to others in challenging places in life
•Thanked people who helped us at church as well as family members who reached out at various times showing concern and/or compassion
•Tried never to make people feel as if they should help us
•Allowed others to help us
•Asked for help when needed (We're still learning this one!)
•Tried to stay connected to those we love in our lives
•Shared our joys and struggles only with those willing to listen
•Desired to be transparent in our struggles so that others didn't think we had it all together
•Did not take advantage of others' help
•Took chances in building relationships by learning with whom we could share, what we could share and with whom we could or couldn't cry
•Prayed with and for others, including doctors, teachers, family and friends
•Provided meals for others as we were able
•Watched others' children when needed
•Helped others in practical ways when needed
•Accepted advice and counsel from our parents, friends, doctors, teachers, aides and even our children
•Accepted meals with gratitude and always wrote a note of thanks
•Tried to show appreciation without criticism, expectation, whining or complaining about how those who helped did things differently from us
•When someone offered some service, wrote down their name so we could ask them for help when we had need (a list that came in handy a number of times)
We want others to sense from us that we are willing to work together, not just have things our way. We want our participation in a relationship to be "life-giving," not "life-draining." In our desire to balance those fragile areas of relationships, we want to love like Jesus and not be indifferent to others. Sometimes that means protecting ourselves and our family, and other times it means giving above and beyond what we think we are able. In both instances we seek the Lord and depend upon Him for guidance and direction.
Adapted from Unexpected Journey: When Special Needs Change Our Course by Joe and Cindi Ferrini. Copyright ©2009. Used by permission of Joe and Cindi Ferrini. All rights reserved.
When friends and family are distant during the greatest time of need
by Cindi Ferrini
Feeling Isolated - Focus on the Family
Our son Joey was almost 3, our daughter Kristina was a newborn, and my post-partum hormones were out of kilter. My husband, Joe, and I had just learned the extent of Joey's diagnosis and were feeling alone; I remember spending the better part of two weeks crying. I was saddened that he might never walk, talk, or be able to learn and longed for someone to listen, give hope and not give the "pat" answer that was easy to say but hard to hear.
Caring for our special needs son required a lot of time and effort, and I had to deal with Joey's illnesses, allergies (requiring hospital visits), seizures (that we didn't yet recognize as such), multiple therapies, trips downtown, never-ending questions and life with a toddler who couldn't walk or make his needs known.
Lonely beginnings
Much of the time my husband and I felt alone. We were physically worn out, emotionally isolated and spiritually depleted. We had great help from Joey's grandparents, who loved him deeply and accepted him fully, but in other circles we often felt people didn't know what to do or say. Occasionally, people asked, "How's Joey?" but they seldom, if ever, asked what life was like for him or us.
We were rarely asked to others' homes. Joey was never asked to come to someone's home to play. He didn't fit in with others his age, and we sensed that kept us from being included in some social gatherings. We wondered whether others thought they'd have to "get involved" if they got too close to us. In fact, we remember only one time we were all invited to someone's house for visiting and dinner. We were so excited!
Behavioral challenges
Joey could not tolerate noise and commotion. Very sensitive to sudden noises and movement, he would start screaming, hanging all over us and generally making going out not worth our effort, much less worth someone else's effort to invite us! We didn't blame others, and no one ever said we were excluded; but for whatever reason, we often felt left out. Joey's needs diminished our desire to go into those social settings, and when we did, we were often embarrassed about the way he acted, thinking others would consider us bad parents, unable to control our child. He couldn't help the behavior caused by brain malfunction, but we had difficulty separating his behavior from how we felt about it.
When Joey was young, we lacked the freedom to do some of the things our friends and their families did. Now that he is an adult, we still cannot simply pick up with our "empty nester" friends for dinner together or accept other impromptu invitations. We've never been able to go out unless we had someone we trusted to come and care for Joey. His care is different from what our girls ever needed. Sometimes we felt trapped. We didn't feel the freedom to talk about it either because we didn't want to hurt others' feelings. We didn't want others to feel obligated to invite us over or to include us, knowing we would likely have Joey with us.
Developing relationships
If we could change one thing about how we handled the challenges with our son and our parents, we would have been more vocal. We would have expressed to others exactly what was happening to our loved ones and to us as we cared for them. As our friends had grandchildren with special needs and cared for their aging parents, we discovered that they were shocked to know we had gone through the same things they were going through. Some friends were good listeners, but in looking back, we can see that we tried not to overdo it and perhaps "underdid" it.
Others will not understand what we are going through unless we tell them. Even close friends are shocked that we still shower and shave Joey as a grown man, that he can't stay home alone, that he continues to have severe behavioral issues from time to time and that we still experience times of great frustration in trying to deal with him in a positive and Christ-honoring way. As a result, we realize we should express ourselves more clearly and thoroughly, and probably should reach out to ask for help and even continue to do so. And when others offer to help, we need to be honest and practical in allowing them the privilege.
Here are some of the ways we have reached out to develop relationships:
•Invited teachers to our home for dinner to get to know them
•Chaperoned field trips when additional help was needed
•Answered calls and notes promptly so people knew we were caring individuals
•Wrote notes of encouragement to others in challenging places in life
•Thanked people who helped us at church as well as family members who reached out at various times showing concern and/or compassion
•Tried never to make people feel as if they should help us
•Allowed others to help us
•Asked for help when needed (We're still learning this one!)
•Tried to stay connected to those we love in our lives
•Shared our joys and struggles only with those willing to listen
•Desired to be transparent in our struggles so that others didn't think we had it all together
•Did not take advantage of others' help
•Took chances in building relationships by learning with whom we could share, what we could share and with whom we could or couldn't cry
•Prayed with and for others, including doctors, teachers, family and friends
•Provided meals for others as we were able
•Watched others' children when needed
•Helped others in practical ways when needed
•Accepted advice and counsel from our parents, friends, doctors, teachers, aides and even our children
•Accepted meals with gratitude and always wrote a note of thanks
•Tried to show appreciation without criticism, expectation, whining or complaining about how those who helped did things differently from us
•When someone offered some service, wrote down their name so we could ask them for help when we had need (a list that came in handy a number of times)
We want others to sense from us that we are willing to work together, not just have things our way. We want our participation in a relationship to be "life-giving," not "life-draining." In our desire to balance those fragile areas of relationships, we want to love like Jesus and not be indifferent to others. Sometimes that means protecting ourselves and our family, and other times it means giving above and beyond what we think we are able. In both instances we seek the Lord and depend upon Him for guidance and direction.
Adapted from Unexpected Journey: When Special Needs Change Our Course by Joe and Cindi Ferrini. Copyright ©2009. Used by permission of Joe and Cindi Ferrini. All rights reserved.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Anger part 2
Anger Busters for Kids
Here are some ideas to calm your child.
by Lynne M. Thompson
This Article Anger Busters for Kids - Focus on the Family
Your child is yelling, slamming doors and having an all-out tantrum … but can he trust you with his anger? Punishing the behaviors associated with anger might be a quick fix, but without instruction your child will lose out. National anger management trainer Bob Bowen warns that children who never learn proper ways to express their frustration will eventually find their own, often inappropriate, methods.
"At 7 years old she may be yelling or pulling someone's hair, but by age 16 she will have developed 15 other incorrect ways to say 'I'm frustrated.' She has to find her own path because, as parents, we haven't given her the correct one."
The road to teaching proper "anger behavior" can be extremely bumpy when parents are sucked into the heat of the moment. Parents need first to handle their own emotions.
"When a child sees a parent managing his own frustration and anger, he will learn by example," Bowen says. "How a parent responds to his child's anger is how the parent teaches."
Teaching discipline instead of punishing the child equips him with anger management tools that can be used the rest of his life. Here are eight things you can do to help your child learn how to express his anger positively.
Eight Great Anger Busters
1.Model anger management. "Mommy is feeling very angry right now, so I'm going to take time to be alone and get some self-control.
2.Show respect. Don't participate by calling names or getting physical.
3.Give them words to express their anger. "I know you are disappointed, or sad or frustrated."
4.Identify with their pain. "I remember when I didn't get to go to a party…"
5.Set positive limits. Instead of saying, "Don't you throw that doll," say, "After you put the doll on the table, we can go have snack."
6.Redirect energy bursts that often come with anger. Encourage positive outlets like running, jumping, blowing into a horn or painting.
7.Avoid power struggles with your child. They're always lose-lose situations. If your goal is to control, you will teach him to control others.
8.Provide a cooling-off period by reading a book together or going on a walk. Then calmly discuss what happened and make a plan for next time.
Here are some ideas to calm your child.
by Lynne M. Thompson
This Article Anger Busters for Kids - Focus on the Family
Your child is yelling, slamming doors and having an all-out tantrum … but can he trust you with his anger? Punishing the behaviors associated with anger might be a quick fix, but without instruction your child will lose out. National anger management trainer Bob Bowen warns that children who never learn proper ways to express their frustration will eventually find their own, often inappropriate, methods.
"At 7 years old she may be yelling or pulling someone's hair, but by age 16 she will have developed 15 other incorrect ways to say 'I'm frustrated.' She has to find her own path because, as parents, we haven't given her the correct one."
The road to teaching proper "anger behavior" can be extremely bumpy when parents are sucked into the heat of the moment. Parents need first to handle their own emotions.
"When a child sees a parent managing his own frustration and anger, he will learn by example," Bowen says. "How a parent responds to his child's anger is how the parent teaches."
Teaching discipline instead of punishing the child equips him with anger management tools that can be used the rest of his life. Here are eight things you can do to help your child learn how to express his anger positively.
Eight Great Anger Busters
1.Model anger management. "Mommy is feeling very angry right now, so I'm going to take time to be alone and get some self-control.
2.Show respect. Don't participate by calling names or getting physical.
3.Give them words to express their anger. "I know you are disappointed, or sad or frustrated."
4.Identify with their pain. "I remember when I didn't get to go to a party…"
5.Set positive limits. Instead of saying, "Don't you throw that doll," say, "After you put the doll on the table, we can go have snack."
6.Redirect energy bursts that often come with anger. Encourage positive outlets like running, jumping, blowing into a horn or painting.
7.Avoid power struggles with your child. They're always lose-lose situations. If your goal is to control, you will teach him to control others.
8.Provide a cooling-off period by reading a book together or going on a walk. Then calmly discuss what happened and make a plan for next time.
Monday, October 04, 2010
An interruption from the normal posts
I want to share a little bit of a song with you by Rita Springer-
This Blood- Rita Springer
So I come, to tell you He’s alive
To tell you that He dries,every tear that falls
So I come, to tell you that He saves
To shout and to proclaim that He is coming back for you,
This Life, This Price, This Blood, This One
I went to a conference this past weekend and really those of you witj special needs kids were so on my heart- I truly want you to know you are not alone and I am here for you and if you are in the Tampa Area there is a church for you to come to where your kids will be loved and accepted.
CelebrationChurch is where you are loved and welcomed and so are your kids- how do I know - well I work with the kids and have been there for 10 years.
This Blood- Rita Springer
So I come, to tell you He’s alive
To tell you that He dries,every tear that falls
So I come, to tell you that He saves
To shout and to proclaim that He is coming back for you,
This Life, This Price, This Blood, This One
I went to a conference this past weekend and really those of you witj special needs kids were so on my heart- I truly want you to know you are not alone and I am here for you and if you are in the Tampa Area there is a church for you to come to where your kids will be loved and accepted.
CelebrationChurch is where you are loved and welcomed and so are your kids- how do I know - well I work with the kids and have been there for 10 years.
I want you to realize God is there for you and he knows every tear you have had for your child, every heartache, every fear- He is there for you and so is the family at Celebration Church
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