Parenting Patterns to Avoid with Defiant Children ( this may not be what I agree with - it has some good points to it- so take what you can and digest it out- I have highlighted somethings in blue that I think stand out for me)
Parents can inadvertently contribute to a child's defiance and negativity by being too intrusive and by constantly imposing their own agenda. With a baby, for example, parents may overstimulate him by talking too loudly, tickling too many times, and bouncing him around too much. In attempting to cope with all that stimulation, the baby protests with fussing or crying.
With a toddler, a parent who doesn't read the child's cues and who constantly insists that the child do things the parent's way can contribute to a defiant child's rigidity. For example, an eighteen-month-old is playing with a jack-in-the-box and is focused on figuring out how to open the latch to get Jack to pop out of the box, when he is suddenly interrupted by his father. Dad, thinking the child can't do it, tries to move his son's hand forward on the latch. The child defiantly shoves dad's hands away. Hurt, the father inadvertently intrudes on his son by putting an alphabet book on top of the jack-in-the-box, muttering, "Let's do something else." The toddler, trapped with both hands under the jack-in-the-box and the book, tumbles everything over and begins a tantrum, banging his head on the floor. His world has been invaded by his father. A power struggle develops, as the toddler digs in his heels even further the more his father takes over.
With a school-age child, parents may unknowingly intrude and overload him by the way they boss him around - even when doing something potentially enjoyable together. An eager father may try to coach his daughter in soccer. Rather than letting her experiment with different ways to kick the soccer ball and perhaps setting up ingenious games, the father insists on instructing, ordering, and demanding too much. He gets impatient and angry when the child doesn't want to do it daddy's way. The whole enterprise disintegrates into a struggle between an irritable dad and an ever more defiant child.
Parents sometimes contribute to a defiant child's rebellion by getting the child involved in too many activities. Actually, the number of activities is less important than the way in which parents get involved. If the activities are fun and spontaneous, and the child is learning through discovery, parents find that their child has lots of energy. On the other hand, if the child is feeling bossed around and controlled, it can dampen even the most energetic child's enthusiasm. (If you have had a controlling, intrusive boss at work, then you know how such an attitude can rob you of your motivation and desire to participate and excel.)
In general, parents who are very rules-oriented or rigid are more apt to set up monumental power struggles with the defiant child. When they also often take the child's behavior personally, seeing his negativity as aimed directly at them instead of as an attempt to organize his world, the situation is compounded. "He's just doing that to make me angry," such parents tell me. There is nothing wrong with having rules and standards of conduct for your child, of course, but too many arbitrary rules and regulations can drive a defiant child into doing precisely the opposite of what you are demanding of him.
These struggles, I have found, are often played out around certain recurrent issues. The parent insists that homework be done at a certain time or in certain ways. "You have to do your homework before dinner, in your room, at your desk with the radio off and the door closed!" Such rigid rules almost inevitably set up a nightly struggle that exhausts everyone. Another incendiary issue is clothes. The child may want to wear an old cotton shirt and comfortable, worn jeans to school, while the parent insists on a newer, stiffer shirt and pants. "You're not going to leave my house looking like that," parents will say. The child's response, of course, is "I won't wear that junky stuff you want me to wear!" And another battle is under way.
Even more important for the child's response than parents wanting their way is the style by which they try to get their way. When it comes to homework, cleaning up toys, or respecting other people, parents can persuade, negotiate, and set limits in a calm, empathetic, and supportive way. In contrast, an "in your face," domineering attitude is sure to set up or intensify the child's defiance.
When these struggles become entrenched and parents come to me for help, I see several different types of responses. I see parents (often, but not always, a mother) who feel defeated, frustrated, angry, and depressed by the running battles. They feel guilty and are embarrassed by their child's behavior - what they see as his horrible manners, his rudeness, his sloppiness. Feeling helpless and angry, they rage at the child, throwing temper tantrums themselves. Another reaction I see from parents (often fathers) is a punitive, "You-won't-get-away-with-this" stance. This father is a law-and-order kind of guy who expects to be obeyed. He may punish the child frequently, often physically, hoping to force or scare him into better behavior.
"If you don't sit straight at this table, you're going to your room for an hour," he may roar at the dinner table each night at his slumping child, who merely stares back in defiant silence. "All right, that's it! Go to your room, and I don't want to see your face until seven o'clock!" As this scene is repeated over and over again about major and minor issues, a fierce duel between parent and child develops. The parent tries to intimidate or scare the child into backing down. While this approach may frighten some children into obedience (although the parent will have sacrificed the child's goodwill and respect in the process), the defiant child only digs in deeper. Open negativism turns into stony passive resistance. His grades suffer. He may get headaches and stomachaches. He may use more primitive mechanisms to battle back. At the extreme, he might even begin wetting or defecating in bed. But often he will still refuse to give in. As the battles between parent and child rage on, the whole family begins to suffer. By the time such a parent reaches my office, he is often so enraged that he is willing to sacrifice anything not to lose face. Mortified at the prospect of appearing weak and impotent, he forgets that his adversary is just a child. "I don't care what happens," I hear from such parents frequently, "he will not be a spoiled brat!"
There is yet another worrisome parental pattern that I sometimes see among parents of defiant children. They become so drained of energy in the power struggles, and so angry at their child that, without meaning to, they inadvertently become less nurturing and empathetic. There is less love and understanding in the family as a whole, and sometimes between the parents as well. Parents tell me, "I love Joey deeply. Because I love him so much, I get frustrated and withdraw like that." Unfortunately, children pick up on this response. One eight-year-old child told me, "I know my parents love me, but they hate everything I do." As the special nurturing care in the family erodes, not infrequently children will tell me, "I wish I were never born" or "Sometimes I think it's better not to be alive." Or the child may simply wall himself off more and more in a defiant corner, refusing to be a part of the family. A parent's lack of nurturing, added to overintrusiveness, is a double whammy that very few children, especially those with a defiant nature, can deal with. Most often this double whammy intensifies the child's difficulties.
How Parents Can Help the Defiant Child
The most important way to help your defiant child is to become aware of his underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities and be as soothing as possible. Underneath the child's defiance is his inability to let you know directly how much he needs you and how much he depends on you for comfort and security. The only response he knows is to act defiantly (hardly a way to win friends!). Therefore, you want to first gain your child's trust and confidence and somehow slip under his defiance so that you can offer him what he needs.
Establishing Trust and Security
Establishing trust and security is not easy, of course. For example, when you ask your eight-year-old how school went and he replies, "Don't ask all the time! Why do you care?" it's hard to see his underlying vulnerabilities. It is easier to be soothing with a highly sensitive child who is clingy and frightened than with a defiant child. The defiant child, with his constant need to be the boss and his ongoing power struggles with you, makes life more difficult. Yet, it is crucial to remember that this child is just as prone to being overwhelmed and overloaded as the highly sensitive child. The defiant child uses bossiness and defiance in an attempt to feel secure. To protect himself, he shuts out part of the world - including his parents at times. Your goal is to provide tender, loving care in spite of his negativity and defiance.
At first such a child may not trust you completely. He is not sure whether your attempts to soothe will be comforting or upsetting. He is so accustomed to taking charge, and so fearful of intrusions, that he feels he can trust only himself. You have to convince him that you can be comforting. Review in your mind the kinds of experiences that tend to be soothing for him. Which kinds of sounds help him relax and which are upsetting? Does he like light or firm touch? Does he prefer soft music boxes or rhythmic beats? Is he sensitive on certain parts of his body - his feet, perhaps, or his head, or his mouth? If he is a baby, what kinds of rocking motions does he like? Fast? Slow? In an older child, does he like to run fast or just putter along? Does he like you to be laid-back with him or very focused on him and very enthusiastic? Over time, by watching and playing with your child, you can build a profile of his likes and dislikes. Then you can use that profile to adapt your approach in trying to calm and comfort him.
Start slowly and gradually. With a sixteen-month-old, for example, who pushes your hand away or turns his back when you try to play with him, sit just outside his "boundary," so you don't intrude. Find some way to relate to him - working down the ladder of development, if need be. That is, if you can't get him to brighten up by talking to him, try using gestures - point at the block tower he is building and put one of your blocks right at his "boundary." Maybe he will reach out and take it. But if he still responds with irritation - pushing your block away, for example - back off and go down one developmental level. Try just exchanging some attention: see if you can exchange a smile and a flirtatious glance with him. See if he'll respond with a little grin. As you do this day in and day out, you should start seeing him loosening his "boundary" and begin relating to you in more complex ways. From exchanging glances, you can move up to exchanging gestures (you hand him a block, he accepts it and adds it to his tower while you clap softly and smile), and then to exchanging words (you say, "That's a great tower!" he says, "Want more blocks!"). Soon, he will learn to be more flexible and will be relating to you at whatever developmental level he has reached.
You can follow the same strategy with a preschooler. If your child is lining cars up in a row, come in as close as you sense he will let you. Offer to help him make his line of cars longer. Keep your motions slow and relaxed. Try to remember to use voice tones that he is comfortable with. If he is sensitive to touch, be respectful of that. You probably don't want to muss his hair or pinch his cheek, for example, if he doesn't like being touched on the head or around the face. Be especially cautious about trying to control his body with grabs or unwelcome hugs. It's better to let him know you are available through a warm look and outstretched arms, gesturing your interest in hugging him and seeing if he'll meet you halfway. Wherever possible, let him be the boss.
With an older child, the same principles apply. Approach him slowly. Make sure your movements and voice tone are as relaxing to him as possible. For example, your eight-year-old is sorting through his baseball collection and reciting batting averages. "Cal Ripken batted .280 last year," he says as you enter his room. You sit down on the edge of his bed, respectful of his "boundary" and say quietly, "Oh, I didn't know that." Your goal is to establish a calm relationship on his terms. Let him boss you around. If your child is playing Nintendo, ask if you might play together and let him assign you to your role.
Even more than with most children, the general goal with the defiant child is to be warm, soothing, and respectful as much as possible. Meet his inflexibility with flexibility. For example, you're helping tie his shoes. He pulls his foot away - "Not so tight, stupid. It hurts my foot!" Instead of saying, "Don't talk to me that way!" you could take a deep breath and say, "I guess your foot is a bit sensitive," as you tie his shoe one more time. "Is this way better?" At another point (when he isn't feeling so finicky) you can raise the more general issue of why he gets so mad at you and calls you "stupid" whenever you're not "perfect." Here, you can help him reflect on the fact that maybe he is being extra hard on you. As you help him see this pattern and encourage him to become more flexible, remember that he is probably being harder on himself, calling himself "stupid" or worse. For this reason, a defensive strategy ("You can't talk to me like that!") and then blowing up with anger over his "spoiled, insensitive" behavior (understandable though that response may be) not only doesn't work, but actually strengthens the child's defiance. Whatever your child is doing to you, he is probably doing worse to himself. When you come down on him too hard, you may only intensify his own self-criticism and probably even self-hatred. Empathy and flexibility, coupled with quiet explanations, help him see that he is being hard on both you and himself.
Setting Limits
Firm limits also need to be implemented. Being empathetic doesn't mean always giving the child what he wants. But when he is being refused another helping of ice cream, or punished for kicking his sister or trying to scratch his mother, the limit setting needs to be done in a firm but very gentle (and I stress "gentle") manner. Gentle limits coupled with empathy and flexibility will gradually help your child be less critical of you and himself.
Expand the child's dialogue about what comforts and what bothers him. For example, say he doesn't like the way you put his shirt on. So you try again, only this time you ask him to help direct you so that you are exchanging lots of words and gestures and, at the same time, following his general guidelines. This tends to ease the tension. Trying too hard to get it "right," or putting the shirt on him in a rough or annoyed fashion, will start a battle. As you build his trust and confidence in you, he begins to see you as a colleague who can help him, rather than as an adversary out to get him.
In response to such advice, parents tell me they fear they will "spoil" or overindulge their child and worsen his angry, demanding behavior by being so understanding. I tell them that parents can't spoil a child by helping him to feel more secure. They spoil him by not setting limits. Underneath a spoiled child is a child who thinks, "I can't get the boundaries I need. I have to push more and more and more because nothing works." But you need to set limits on his aggression, not on his need for comfort and security. You don't set limits and soothe at the same time. And you need infinite patience - not an easy thing to accomplish.
In setting limits, take advantage of your child's debating skills to hash out rules, rewards, and punishments in advance together. Try to avoid surprises and avoid throwing a tantrum yourself.
Also, it is best to try to avoid situations where the family becomes so stressed and exhausted that the parents stop nurturing each other and a great deal of anger develops in the family. Under those circumstances, one parent commonly tries to overprotect the child in an anxious, hovering way, unsettling the child with his or her needy intrusiveness. And the other parent, feeling deprived and jealous, often becomes overly punitive with the child. It's only when parents have their own needs met that they can be truly gentle and collaborative in setting the required limits.
Encouraging Self-Awareness
As your child gets older, help him to become aware of his own sensitivities and tolerance level. Help him to see what he does and what he doesn't do when he gets overloaded. Urge him to verbalize his feelings and develop a reflective attitude toward his sensitivities. That way, he eventually learns to prepare himself for challenging situations. Because this child is so sensitive to feelings of embarrassment and humiliation, his needs must be respected. But, at the same time, see if you can build in some humor, as well. Shared jokes about his perfectionism and critical attitude, if done in a warm and accepting manner, allow him to become aware of his sensitivities. Help him acknowledge some of his tyrant-like and greedy tendencies. "I guess more is always better," you may tease gently. Or you could jokingly ask him how he thinks you should be tortured for being so imperfect!
While empathizing with such a child is difficult, it can be made even harder by his aversion to being patronized. You may find, for example, that comments like "I know it must be hard" when said in an exhausted tone of voice will not have the desired effect. On the other hand, using both empathy and humor to help your child verbalize his anger and outrage may prove especially helpful. For example, if he is glaring at you and muttering under his breath, complaining that the soup is still too cold or too hot, a remark like, "Gee, I guess you're ready to fire me" or "I guess you think I'd better practice my cooking a little bit more" will respect your child as an intelligent, though outraged, individual and is more effective than a patronizing "I know how sensitive your little tongue is."
Parents benefit from self-awareness as well. Sometimes parents feel some embarrassment and guilt toward defiant or stubborn aspects of themselves. Without being aware of it, they may see pieces of themselves in their child and, if they hate that part of themselves, they will often take that hatred out on the child, rather than be aware of its origins. All of us have negative characteristics that we aren't proud of. These hidden "truths" often resonate with characteristics in our children that we don't like. It's as if all the "bad elements" in the collective family psyche hang out together. Being aware of these patterns allows us to take a more supportive and empathetic posture with our children, rather than an overly critical one.
A defiant child can also learn to choose certain physical activities to decrease his oversensitivity and overload. Many of the same physical exercises I describe for the highly sensitive child are also helpful for the defiant child: jumping with joint compression, large muscle movements, and rhythmic actions in space (such as swings or spinning games). Be sensitive to the particular patterns of sensations that comfort your child. Again, the most important thing to remember as you develop a program of physical activity is that the defiant child needs to be the boss. Let him direct how fast mommy is swinging the "airplane," or how many times in a row he wants to jump on daddy's tummy.
As a parent of a defiant child - you do get worn out and frustrated even more so when you are a single parent-seek help seek others to step in- it will benefit you and your child
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/anger/40422.html#ixzz1A06xx7tk
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